Bring Me Back

Okay, first of all I just need to bring myself back to a place where God is powerful above all things. 

It’s so easy to get lost in the hopelessness of our society and drown in the notion that everything is so massively screwed up beyond repair. 

I just need to bring myself back to a place where I remember God’s bigness in everything.  That, while I’m sitting, dejected, overwhelmed over the monumental task of grasping, understanding and longing to find a cure for the current world state, God is mightier still. 

So I’m just going to take a moment to consider the complexity of the stars, of the earth, of nature and individual make-up.  And then bring myself back to a place where an unfathomable being created all of that, knows it so thoroughly, and loves it so completely.  Society, history can be studied, labeled and understood, whereas it is ridiculous for me to try to limit God to something I am capable of comprehending. 

So here I am.  Coming back from reading about a hopeless world state, back to awe, to an understanding of complete reliance on a God that is bigger, mightier, stronger, just, holy and reliable.   My heart is overwhelmed. 

You Make me New

 "The Only Person you are Destined to Become is the Person you Decide to Be."

“Sow an act, and you reap a habit; sow a habit, and you reap a character.”

I just think it’s about time I crack down and take ownership of my own faith.  I feel like God has bailed me out a couple times now and it’s getting to the point where I feel like He’s telling me that I can’t just wait around for Him to intervene all the time.  If I want a genuine and good relationship I have to put the work into it myself. 

I’m also realizing I’m kind of the queen of excuses.  I always complain that diligence and discipline are my biggest struggles, and I do struggle with it, but there has to be some way of pushing through lack of determination and developing strong enough habits to create natural diligence. 

I guess basically, I can’t just sit here and ‘why God’ until “He shows up” because I know He’s done that for me a few times already.  It’s time for me to step up and own the things He’s done for me and quit the excuses and just do it on my own.  He’s already shown me that “perfect love casts out all fear” and that “He has not given me a spirit of fear but of power and love”; He’s “created in me a clean heart” and promised a deep and meaningful relationship that I don’t deserve. 

If I want to be a person of faith and have a strong relationship with the creator of the universe I have to stop thinking that He'll just do all the work and I can just breeze by through grace.  I know he has grace enough for my shortcomings and failures, but that doesn’t mean I have no responsibilities at all. 

If I want to be a woman of God I have to just decide to become her and stick to it.  This is who I am, this is what was promised to me, I am going to own this promise and walk in this decision.

Grace like an Avalanche

I feel like this summer is going to be marked by Grace.  Either that or emptiness and brokenness.  I guess if I look at it that way I’d choose Grace. 

The problem is the fact that what I get out of if is only going to equal what I put into it. 

Discipline and drive are my fiercest competitors. 

I have so many dreams and desires.  Things I long for so intensely.  I am overwhelmed by these cravings, yearnings for something bigger.  To be a certain person.  To achieve certain things. 

I don’t know how to wait.

I’m okay with taking my time and figuring, working through different things, but I just don’t know what to do with this hunger.  I’m consumed by it, it overpowers me and I feel helpless under it’s weight.  The easiest way is to give up.  Let it go and then try to live indifferent to it.  In reality, I don’t want to give these things up, I just don’t know how to handle it. 

Grace enough, Grace enough, Grace enough.  This is love.

I can either mark this summer by Grace and love, or indifference and shallowness.  To live a life of worship, a lifestyle of enjoying God, loving Him and also giving all of myself to be used for His purposes and glory, or walk selfishly day to day. 

It’s way easier to be ignorant, but is it worth it?

Forever Marked with Mascara

Five words.  Limited to five words.  Useless verbs that could never depict a full story, an entire being.  Five words to encompass a life, an incredible existence. 


     Gentleness

     Safety

Carefully enveloped within

     Strength

     Valour

     Insight


A firm hand and a listening ear, together sealed by a black stain on a strong shoulder.  A promise.  A promise that no matter what, when, where, there will always be a secure place for choked out words and whispered shortcomings.   Held between fierce compassion and delicate determination, mangled sentences and clouded mindsets find order and discernment.  A balanced blend of care, concern, wisdom, depth and stability quickly translate into the highest level of trust and a strong rooted respect.


     Love

     Trust

     Sincerity

     Relentless Selflessness


With pride and a soft apology for the amount of ruined shirts, my best friend.

Readying for God's Timing

I have this... thing (for lack of better word) that I've started doing for the last year and a half.  I guess it started about the time God really started shaking my life up.  I don't really know how to define it so I made up this term I call 'knowing'.  Basically it refers to something I've always 'known' in my mind, concepts, ideas and principles ingrained into my brain via Church, parents, society.  The difference between something I 'know' and something I'm 'knowing' is that I've realized these things at a more personal level, transferred them from my mind to really penetrate my heart.  I've experienced these things in such a way that I'm left in awe.  It's kind of an 'ooooh duh' moment.  The moment that I really begin to comprehend the why's and how's.  The reason I call it 'knowing' is because it's usually just a start.  It causes a series of lessons, becomes a verb per say, something I'm do-ing, learn-ing.  It's not just a one time thing but a constant realization.

This was one of those realizations.

I know they say hind sight is 20/20, so this might be a little cliche, but I've really begun to notice God's hand working in my day to day life.  As I look back, I really can see how he placed me in certain places at certain times so I could learn and develop in very specific ways in order to prepare me for future events.  For example, I really feel like God placed me in the salon I was working in prior to leaving for Australia to teach me things that I wouldn't have learned in the salon I'm in now.  As much as I'd like to think I could, I know I wouldn't have been able to succeed without them, which put me in the best possible place then for now.  There are a million different situations like that that I'm really noticing were God's hand, but they're harder to explain.  Basically, I'm 'knowing' that you can't move on until you've learned the thing you are supposed to learn in one area, or you're really going to muck up in the next season.  God is not going to let you go on until He is confident you can handle the next thing.  This really poses a struggle for me personally, because it requires a lot of humility and readiness to learn.  Often I want to move forward without having to learn the lesson.  I get impatient when I think the next thing should be happening, but in reality, I probably couldn't handle it.  The second struggle is when I do grow and stretch and push through, only to have the next big thing facing me.   I guess the thing I'm 'knowing' right now is to make sure I have my foundation built on a rock in order to have a strong structure.  Without a solid base, without being attentive to each step as I take it, I can't build on it, I won't have stability.  Now I guess the hardest parts for me are being patient and making the necessary moves in order to be ready for the next thing.  I know God isn't going to give me more than I can handle, I just have to understand that He's only going to go as fast as I let Him.  He won't give me the next thing till I successfully complete the thing I'm doing.  I don't know if this is wrong to say, but I guess God's timing is a bit reliant on ours.  His timing relies on our readiness for what He wants to give us, but if we take our sweet time getting ready, He's going to just wait.  Maybe being diligent requires us to realize that even our time is not our own.  If we want what God has for us we have to start now because who knows how many steps we have to take before God thinks we're ready, and how much time will we have wasted getting there?

Finally, Time is on My Side.

I know I haven't written in a long time, and I've actually been aching for it.  I don't really have anything super important, or creative, to write about, but I was reading through some of my older stuff and I was thinking that my last few blogs were a bit desperate.  I'm doing really well now, so I thought I should probably update.
I'm learning!  I vented last time that I wanted to learn and I didn't know how, and now I am.  I'm really happy, I'm doing really well being home now.  I'm learning to love it.  I'm seeing so SO much change again.  It's like all the things that I learned are now becoming applicable in day to day life.  And I really feel like time is on my side.  I was really worried coming home that I'm getting too old to sit back and 'wait for my life to start'.  I just wanted to get out there and do!! But in reality, I'm have all the time in the world.  I had all these ideas, all these dreams, expectations, intentions for every part of my life.  But God is showing me that right now it's just about me and Him.  I was worried because I didn't know the next step in my life, this dream that I have is so far off, so unattainable, and I was anxious to figure it out, but by slowing down, taking a step back and getting myself in position really is going to be the key to success in this new season of my life.  Yes, Brian Houston's one message that I heard him preach 843746 times has finally sunk in, positioning myself.  So, yes, I've taken steps.  I applied to uni (cross your fingers I get accepted), I'm volunteering in church, I have a job and looking for another one.  But I'm completely in a place that I know God is going to open the right door for me at the right time, and I'm just continuing on until I see a turn arrow, or a stop light.  Whilst waiting for a letter from school, I'm getting myself positioned in the work place, building a clientele, saving money again, setting myself up in London because if I do get in I'll for sure be spending the next four years here, if not, then I'm sure God has other plans.  And, now that I'm here, I'm single, I'm rebuilding friendships, I'm working on me, finding my fit, and taking my time.  I want to become more well-rounded, reading, cooking, walking in high heels, writing, exercising, I bought some books, I've been listening to sermons, organizing my time to include the things I want as well as the things I need.  I also am working on me and God.  And, for this reason, I'm kind of liking being a bit alone right now, I have people I rely on, but it IS up to me, if I care as much as I say I do.  And the best part (and the most frustrating) is that God has put so much burning inside of me for this stuff.  I want to know everything I possibly can, I want to study, I want to understand.  It's frustrating because I still don't really know how, but I'm loving listening to people talk, people that know more than I do.  Lots of times I feel like I know so little I don't even know how to ask the questions!  But it's okay!  Proverbs 25:2 says "It is the glory of God to conceal a matter; to search out a matter is the glory of kings."  Which makes me think that God is deliberately mysterious.  So I'm quite content to seek and find right now.  I'm just at a place of positioning so that 'when my life starts', and God steps in with the next step, I'm prepared, ready and waiting.  I am also so hugely blessed to actually have complete peace that I am in the right place right now.  Everything seems to be coming together for me now.  I knew coming home that I wanted to serve in Church, and I would have been content to serve where ever the need was, but I wanted to be involved with youth, and I'm so ridiculously in love with worship.  There was two spots that needed to be filled at Church when I got here, one with the grade 12 girls, who I absolutely love, and the other helping with the youth worship band.  I am loving every minute of it.  I'm growing and stretching, who would have ever guessed me of all people, shy me, would be helping to lead a worship band.  And the kids are so great, I love them.  I know it's making a difference in me, giving me an extra drive to dig deeper into the Bible so I can effectively lead, and I hope I'm at least helping.  Either way, I know I'm in the right place, and I'm super happy.  I am completely peaceful about putting these dreams and steps in my 'too hard basket' and just knowing God as a good and gracious God.  I'm not waiting and anxiously, desperately, longing for life to start, this is it! This is life and I'm making the most of it, and slowly, but surely, getting myself a position where God can effectively use me in this world He's intensely in love with, and for His good and perfect will.

Knowing Where to Start...

I want to Create

               I want to Learn

    I want to Build something from the bottom up

                         To Know, To Discover, To Chance, To Try

I want to take things that already exist

                                                    Things that people already know

          And Learn from them

Do things I've never Done

                        Try things I've never Tried

             Explore, Imagine

There are so many things I don't know

      I've never Experienced

I want to Learn as much as I can

                    Drink in other people's Knowledge

                                                               Expand on their Creativity

I have an image of Who I want to Be

           Things I want to Do

           Where I'd like to Go

                         I want to be a Designer

                                 a Creator

                                 a Learner

                                 a Traveler

                                 a 'proper' Lady

I want to waltz around in high heels       Loving the world to perfect health

                                                  The biggest problem is the Start

I'd rather just jump into the middle

            Already Knowing

                           Already Ready

    And let the                 Momentum                take me

            But momentum has to be Built

And floating along isn't going to get me anywhere

                                       The key is the Drive

Pushing past the frustration that becomes the obstruction

                                                             (which makes me wish I was slightly more competitive)

I'm learning that

                                      Creativity

                                                                 is actually easier within Structure

                                                                                             within Discipline

Mediocrity is just as close to the Bottom as it is to the Top

It's the Start

           I've always hated the Start

                           of Anything

                  of Everything

I want to Learn

            I want to Learn

                        I want to Learn

                                    I want to Learn!

Learn What?

                            Start Where?

          How?    When?

     When?

And then there's Time

                        GAH Time!!

                 There's never enough Time

                                                                                                                 (As is money!)

What to Read?

           Where to Look?

                        Who to Go to?

       HOW TO START?

The Challenge (and Thank-you to Bobby Houston for this one):

                               Not to Despise the Day of Small Beginnings.

   Day 1