I Would Die...

I Would Die... to wake up in my amazingly comfortable bed in my gorgeous room to the smell of sizzling bacon and the sound of my sister's beautiful voice.
I Would Die... for my mom's french toast cake with bacon, strawberries and cantaloupe, followed by a hot shower, professional hair products, Moroccan Oil and my massive collection of make-up.
I Would Die... to go visit Dr. Paula, the greatest and most sorely missed chiropractor ever.
I Would Die... to sit on my patio in early summer with a massive salad, chips and fresh homemade salsa, playing Joke'R'Rummy with my family, listening to All Summer Long, and singing I Say a Little Prayer for You. 
I Would Die... for a manicure/pedicure, chatting with my favorite hairstylists/estheticians, the smell of cleanliness, hairspray, shampoo, familiarity.  I would even be stoked to run into old clients. 
I Would Die... to go shopping on Richmond street, buy a new dress, cardigan, necklace, headband and shoes.
I Would Die... to spend the night at Demetri's, laughing till not only my sides hurt, but my face and abs and even chest and lungs hurt, making fun of Mady's 'ice cream slip', then racing home in my Dad's standard jetta.
I Would Die... to cook a five star, four course dinner with my Dad followed by a night of hockey, football or Jack Bauer.
I Would Die... for a High School Musical 3 dance off, which basically means a Jen and Mady showcase, and a Brittany massacre.  
I Would Die... for a giggly snuggle fest, couch wars, falling asleep in any number of beds and laying on the floor in the sliver of sunlight pouring in through the window.
I Would Die... to sit in the counseling chair and watch my Mom's limited computer ability.
I Would Die... for my favorite books and the fireplace, the couch outside and the heat lamp.
I Would Die... for my piano and my sister's voice combined.
I Would Die... for my Mom's funny little arm, step dance then my Dad's attempt at intervention, and the step-a-step-a.  
I Would Die... for Comfort and Familiarity.
I Would Die... for complete understanding of each other's personalities, how to interact and relate.
I Would Die... for late night talks full of vulnerability and absolutely no thought of judgement.
I Would Die... for a lifetime of togetherness and experiences of every shape and colour, whilst continuing in encouragement and support.
I Would Die... for easy laughter, where mistakes are made without condemnation and guilt, where forgiveness flows freely and pride is forgotten because of the safety and security of the environment.
I Would Die... to live and learn through each other, no holding back, only trust because we've earned it.
I Would Die... for Simplicity.
I Would Die... for healthy bodies.
I Would Die... for for knowledge and understanding in what is to come.

I Would Die... for Christians to realize that, often, we are the problem because of falseness and judgment. 

I Would Die... for strength and Peace.  

I Would Die... for daily revelations from God for me and my sissy's.  

I Would Die... for my Grandma to live cancer free and fully understand the greatness and power of God's love. 
I Would Die... for the gifts inside my sister's to be shaken till their passions for justice and love explode on the world.
I Would Die... for an unshakable touch of God in all the lives of my family members. 

I Would Die... for Love, Strength and Wisdom. 

I'd Like to Know what's Keeping Me from Seeing this Ground as New Ground

I know the feeling of the soles of my shoes hitting the ground
                                             All too well. 
Signals sent from brain to feet and back.
Without a thought I've made my way from home, to church, to coles, to a friend's.
Going out of my way to parade over only the crunchiest looking leaves. 
Something as simple as walking, moving, travelling from one place to another
                                                               taken for granted daily. 


I Love the Beauty in the Most Basic Realities.  



Sitting, early for class
                                        a class I dread most.  
A shiny black piano my only company
It stares me down, the exterior removed, bearing all to the gradually filling classroom.
"Your up."
Heart racing, hands sweating, face flushing.
Has anyone felt so much of a failure?
Inadequate?  Incompetent?  Of poor quality?
I might cry.  I probably will.
Some people are blessed with natural ability.
Some people have to work at it.
This should be motivating, inspiring.
Feeling more intimidated, lethargic, stressed.
Excellence is eluding, and I am responsible to pursue it.
                                                         Isn't that what I'm here for?


Over Tired, Overwhelmed
Under Committed, Uninspired
Sick, Sore, Scatterbrained.  


Free apple cider.
What a surprise, only for me.
A slow sip, a happy sigh.
Delicious, Warm
                        Liquid comfort.
It's always the littlest things that catch my attention
          Leave me in awe.
Warmth fills my body with assurance, comfort, stillness.
Everyone and everything fall away.
It's just me, it's up to me.
Open your eyes.
You can do it, you have to
                                                  or you might loose it.



Simple elegance shows up at exactly the right moment. 

I Look Back and See the Genius in Everything

The heavens declare the glory of God, the skies proclaim the work of His hands. Day after day they pour forth speech, night after night they display knowledge.

The sky, I think, is one my most favourite parts of creation. I like flowers and trees too, but the sky, wow, it's amazing. It's constantly changing. I think it changes the most frequently and is the most varied. Bright, blue, pink, orange, grey, black, starry and any of the above combined. Tonight I witnessed the most beautiful sunset. Looking from my 9^th floor balcony I could see so many colours, so many combinations, pink clouds, orange sun, meanwhile, on the ground, you could see that it was dark and rainy. So unbelievable. And the stars, oh man. When I was at the horse camp thing a couple weeks ago, I saw more stars in the sky on one night than I think all the night in my life combined. Dang light pollution eh? But it was seriously unreal. Like I was looking at the entire galaxy at once. I remember not being able to look away. I was enamoured by it. I didn't even realize that it was possible to see so many stars at once.

The heavens exclaim the glory of God, the skies shout the work of His hands.

Coming back to the verse, I really want to know what speech and knowledge the sky is so creatively expressing. I looked into stars a little, for this reason. Maybe if I can learn a bit about the sky I can learn a bit about what it's conveying. I learned that there is a star called a Neutron star that is created in the core of a supernova explosion. The star collapses and crushes every proton and electron together, creating only neutrons. Neutron stars are the most dense object known to man. The heavier this star gets, the smaller it gets. It would be like if a 10 pound bag of flour was smaller than a 5 pound bag. One sugar cube of this star weighs about 100 million tons.

The heavens praise your wonders, O Lord, your faithfulness too. For who in the skies above can compare with the Lord? Who is like the Lord among the heavenly beings?

Neutron stars have a mass of between 1.4 and 3 times that of our sun, and are only about 10 miles across. The gravitational pull is 2 x 10^11 times that of earth's. The rotation of the star increases as is collapses. It rotates at about 30,000km/sec. It emits electromagnetic radiation that can be detected on earth in pulses, aka pulsars.

God made two great lights – the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars.

So what is this knowledge, this majesty that the sky is proclaiming? What does it want to say to us? That everything is an accident? That the purpose of our lives is to do anything we want for us to be happy, rich, successful? Maybe the complex in the sky is showing us that really it's not even about us. The galaxy is so big, so phenomenal, we are actually quite small in comparison.

The heavens declare the glory of God, the skies proclaim the work of His hands.

I've been actively trying to figure out what creation is telling me, but maybe it's right there. Maybe it's just God's way of saying 'Here I am. I did this for you, to prove to you My love. Love that is greater than this tremendous universe. Here I am'.

Give thanks to the Lord, for He is Good; who made the great lights – the sun to govern the day, and the moon and stars to govern the night. His love endures forever.

My Heart for His House - Because Your with me, I will Not Fear

How come it is scarey to trust God with the things He gave me in the first place? He took care of it long before it was even in my hands. How come I have to remind myself to trust God with everything? I know that I trust Him as God, but it feels like I have to literally go through everything little thing and give it to Him individually. How come it's so easy to screw up over and over again? I feel like this is the meaning of apology. To apologize and ask forgiveness is to turn around, not to ask and keep asking, but to ask then change. Why is this so hard? How come it's so easy to fall back into old habits. I'm trying to kill them, trying to let them go, and I do, for like a week, then I'm back where I started. I've seen progress, I know what it looks like, but now it feels like I take two steps forward and sometimes one step back, sometimes three. How do I get this to stick?

Today we made pledges for the Heart for the House offering. I had a number in my mind, that I felt was a bit of a stretch but I that could handle, but God kept telling me that this has to be a sacrifice. This was scarey as hell. A major struggle went on within me, I was literally fighting God in my mind. Shaking with fear and uncertainty. What if God doesn't provide? I don't want to be giving to God in order to get something from Him, but I really can't afford this.

The minute I wrote down the number that God gave me, and put in the bucket I felt like God was teaching me something about faith. He told me that I just made a statement in the spiritual realm. He's going to give me what I need, and this statement is me fully trusting in Him for my family and future. My family is my life, and I know I hold on to them so tight, so to hear God specifically speak to me about them is a huge deal for me. I was so overwhelmed, consumed by His power. He's going to take care of me, He's going to take care of my family. He's already planned it. His miracle is for His glory. My provision, my family's salvation, healing, all my hopes and desires are taken care of.

This is why it's okay not to know the answers. If I could do it on my own, if I could think of it in myself, then His name isn't exalted! I think for this reason faith needs to be blind more often than not. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen. It is being sure of what we hope for, certain of what we don't see. How can we know what God has? God is bigger than anything and everything. If I can do a little bit on my own with the resources I have available to me, just think about what God created out of nothing. He is more than capable to do above and beyond what I can't even fathom.

So I don't know if God is going to give me money as provision for what I pledged in the heart for the house, maybe He won't heal me, my sister or my grandma, maybe my family won't get saved, maybe I won't get married and my dreams won't been realized, but maybe that's not the point. I do know that that money is going to be given to starving and hurting people, because I know the church I belong to is faithful and they aren't just trying to scam my money. I've witnessed it. So I guess that's enough. Maybe God asked me to give what I didn't think I was capable of just for this lesson of complete surrender. I'm learning that it's okay to cry, it's okay to be overwhelmed, it's okay to feel alone, it's okay to be unsure and afraid, it's okay not to know the answers or even the question sometimes, as long as God is at the centre, He knows. Maybe this surrender is solely an act of worship, to acknowledge His greatness. He's going to reign either way.

The heavens declare the glory of God, the skies proclaim the work of His hands. Creation is screaming God's goodness, why can't I join in? I guess this is all or nothing.