Jesus, I am so desperate for your touch in my life. I don't just need it, or want it, I'm desperate Lord. My heart is just so ready for you.
You are so amazing, You showed us a glimpse of heaven and glory by sending Your son.
In a moment you can step into a life, intervene, etc. You give so much meaning into life. So much hope and future forever in Your name.
More and more I reach out and call on Your name. I am learning that there's nothing greater than Your love. Nothing is greater, not friends, family, not my boyfriend and my sisters. Everything I value, the things that make me who I am, the things that I use to place value on my life are nothing compared to Your intense love. Your love is so full, so thick in my life. So evident in everything around me. Even the earth proclaims Your greatness. It's so unreal, I can't even get over it. The bigness of the universe, and the smallness, You didn't miss a single little detail! How could all of everything ever just come to be? The creativity, the preciseness, it's so intricate! The uniqueness of each and every individual.
Your grace and mercy has saved me by your blood. Grace meaning giving me things that I don't deserve, mercy being not giving me the things I do.
Seriously, it's unreal. Every shame, every bit of guilt, insecurities, fear, all of it gone in Your love.
Your love is like fire that burns for all to see. Your love is like a man who finds something of great worth buried in the ground. He goes and sells EVERYTHING he owns and buys the land where he found the treasure!! How can he not give up everything for the treasure when he knows he'll be extremely rich if he only buys that land. Your love is so unconditional, not judgmental. It is quick to forgive and forget, it won't hold anything against you. It won't stop, it won't betray, it doesn't hold grudges. It doesn't require anything other than love back. You pour it out so heavy it's impossible to contain.
All I want, Jesus, is to worship at your feet. I can't even fathom Your greatness. I get to see glimpses of it. Give me a heart of worship, give me a heart that longs for you. Still my rebellious will, my heart that wants just to live for myself. I can't do it on my own. Your plans are so much bigger than anything I can even imagine. Let Your fire consume my life.
Take me deeper in Your love. Your love that is patient and kind, that is not self-seeking. Love that always protects, always trusts always hopes always perseveres, and never fails. Draw me closer to Yourself, teach me this kind of love, this kind of life.
All I want is more of you!
I am completely surrendered and in awe of Your love. Continually humbled by the message of Your cross. What kind of person gives up everything for someone they've never met? And by everything, I mean everything. How humbling would it be for God to even live on earth? Giving up complete love by angels and heavenly beings, richness and majesty, only to be mocked, beat and finally torturered to death.
I stand abandoned in your presence and embrace. No, I can't even stand in Your presence. It's so insane that You would even embrace me. You hold me in your hands, you know my every thought. Not just my thoughts, You know my wants and desires, not because you made me and that's just how it goes, but because You've chosen to get to know me on a personal level. You not only know the big things in life, the things I tell my friends, but the things that I hold on to, the things I really don't tell people. You, also, give me free will. Which is hard to understand. You can control us but you choose to give us free will, fully knowing that we might not choose You. How incredible. Your love continues to amaze me. You love us so much that Your willing to give us the choice to not love You back.
I'll never be the same. I don't want to be the same. How can I experience this, kinda wrap my head around it, and go back. Go back to what? To insecurities, to fear, to shame? Your love wipes it all away, those things don't matter. In Your love, what should I be afraid of? People, finances, sickness? You are my provider, my comforter, my healer. I am a daughter of the King, I am beautiful, I have worth. I have been bought with a VERY large price.
When You call I will follow. I want to be completely in Your will. I know what I'm supposed to do. To learn to do right, seek justice, encourage the oppressed, defend the cause of the fatherless, and plead the case of the widow. In Your strength these things can be accomplished as long as I stop trying to do it my way, with my knowledge and resources. I only know so much, I can only afford so much, I need You to go above and beyond anything I can do in myself.
Thank-you for Your love, Jesus I belong to you.
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Thursday, March 18, 2010
If I Could Read Your Mind, I Would Probably Wear More Clothes Everyday
Hey all! So it's been over a month, wow, so lame. I haven't even been online in almost three weeks though so please forgive me. The last time I wrote was just after valentines day! wow, so much as happened, it's unreal. I don't even know where to start!
I don't think I've mentioned all the God stuff that's been going down, so I'll write about that! umm... I really don't know how to explain this all to you, but God is so amazing. I know I have alot of friends who are going to disagree and think this is crazy and not understand, and honestly, I don't know what to say to you guys, because I really think I know what your going to say/think after reading this. Doesn't matter, I'll just write it and if you think I'm crazy we'll have to have a phone date (I just got internet this evening so you can call my VOIP phone now for free... woohoo!). So God has been showing me alot of stuff lately! I had a really crazy night probably the week end after I wrote my last blog, and I'm not going to go into alot of detail on here, but God is really changing me alot. He's been teaching me about my value and about how He REALLY created me to be. He made me to be a certain way and through all my hurts and insecurities that go along with living, I have turned into someone that I'm not actually. Not saying there's no value in those things, I learned so much and really try to use that knowledge, it's just more like I'm becoming bolder, for example, now that I'm more concerned with what God thinks about me etc.
I feel like everything about me is changing. My whole mindset is different, I'm seeing things in a brand new light. It's seriously super intense, you guys can't even fathom what is going on in my head these days. And I think alot of people are in the same boat, I was talking with two girls today and we were sharing how we can't even believe that someone can change so much in only two months or so. I really needed this, it's intense, I love it.
What else? I really love the people. It's an environment where you are constantly being encouraged and people genuinely love you. The no dating rule is actually such an amazing idea when it comes right down to it. I thought it was kinda weird and it didn't really apply to me because I have a freaking amazing and sexy boyfriend that I'm crazy over, but it makes life WAY WAY less awkward for everyone. Everyone is completely free to say anything they want and there is no worries about how it's taken or who likes who (I mean there are a few that you can tell it's something more, but even that isn't awkward for anyone). We all just hang out and tell each other how talented and awesome we are and it's great! I seriously want to be a Brazilian though. I think I seriously think about legally trading my race all the time! haha! Brazilian's are just the best! They are so good looking, everyone is so friendly, they all kiss everyone, nothing is awkward, everything is funny, and their food is to die for! The Brazilian kissing thing has defiantly rubbed off on everyone (just the girls don't worry babe). We always kiss each other, like alot, but it's awesome! (not inappropriately all you crazy people out there, just on the cheek and stuff).
The beach is awesome! I love the beach! And I love downtown, and I love the harbours. This city is just so great! I don't think I'll ever get over it! There's a video on facebook that my friend made and it's just of us marveling at this place WE LIVE IN! AH! We live here, it's so amazing!
Everyone is starting to really settle into their groups, but all intermingle, I don't think anyone is completely stuck to one group, which is so refreshing. I find London (don't get mad) so clichey (spelling?). It's hard to get out of the groups. There are groups and I don't think that's a problem, there's certain people that I'll tell things that I don't tell everyone, but that's just being smart (I think) but we all love each other and get along and hang out and we don't not not invite anyone. I mostly hang out with my roommate that I love so much! Stephanie! She's amazing, so beautiful and fun and awesome! Jasmine and Breanna are probably my besties here! I love them. Breanna reminds me alot of my Nessy, sort of a similar intensity, just in different ways. Jasmine is so funny, the cutest girl ever, so crazy! She has so many hidden talents it's kinda hilarious! So OCD though! Really really organized and she just loves her lists! But so fun and I love her! The Guys are amazing to! seriously there are a few guys I want to match up with some of you people but they might read this, and that would be awkward!
JEN AND MADY YOU GUYS NEED TO COME HERE FOR SCHOOL! Jenny - the social justice side is insanely intense, you would be blown away, and your heart will probably break everyday! Good thing God is so good, He can hold it together for you. Pansta - the TV and directing is actually super fun/intense. I got to be on a camera recently (I hate to brag but we had a guest director and after I went back into to the TV room and we were all getting debriefed and he was like 'whoever was on camera two, I respect you' IT WAS MY FIRST TIME!! *cheers*). Anyways, it was really fun, really intense, but fun! You would love it! And you could be a vocal major if you wanted and do TV as well, sorta volunteer-esk and you obviously learn more if you do it, but you could do that!
Hmm... Colour is on right now! It's a huge humanitarian conference! So amazing! It was last weekend wednesday-sunday and we had to serve from 6-10 everyday! so intense! This week it's a little different! The first years at the city campus are doing 'be the change', so we get to actually go out and make a difference! So we did that all day today! I was on a team that was cleaning and re-painting this youth home thing, it is so run down and dirty and nasty. I think it's kinda sorta like a juvy, it's run by the police, but I think kids go there like after school and stuff, mostly 'troubled' youth. So we spent the whole day painting it today!
I met my neighbours finally! I organized a day where I really tried to get all the students in my building to meet their neighbours! I don't think alot of people did it, but I did and I'm so glad! I'm usually quite shy (God is shaking that outta me) so it was a big deal, but me and my roomy baked banana muffins and stuff and took them over! They knew we were college students because alot of people move in and out of this apartment, but they are sweet!! The husband is a hobby photographer, so he invited me over for coffee sometime and he's going to teach me about my camera and stuff. He also just gave me these beautiful big photo's on nice paper and everything, of the harbour. He brought them over later, said his family loved the cupcakes! lol! So good! (Such a brazilian thing to say 'so good!').
Anyways, I don't know what else to say! I'm in a band! Super fun. It's for my tut. We have to preform for my music excellence class! It's so crazy though! We're doing a jazz version of wonderwall!!! woohoo!!! Our drummer (who is the sickest drummer EVER and all the other bands should be jealous) is going to record it on his mac so we can put it up, cuz it's going to be sick! Can't wait! I still love all my classes! And my tuts, my tut instructors are sweet! my music one, Hannah, is so freaking talented! She played for us, I wanted to die! She can play pretty much everything! It's amazing!
This is getting long again! Don't hate me! Love you all! Please say hi even if i don't respond, I just get really overwhelmed when I havn't been online in 3 weeks and theres so much going one, but i still really appreciate it and love it and love you! It'll be better now I promise!
<3 <3 <3
I really do miss you all!!! I miss people that know me! But God is good and is an amazing comforter, and provider! I love you guys, so much! You really don't know what you've got till it's gone!
I don't think I've mentioned all the God stuff that's been going down, so I'll write about that! umm... I really don't know how to explain this all to you, but God is so amazing. I know I have alot of friends who are going to disagree and think this is crazy and not understand, and honestly, I don't know what to say to you guys, because I really think I know what your going to say/think after reading this. Doesn't matter, I'll just write it and if you think I'm crazy we'll have to have a phone date (I just got internet this evening so you can call my VOIP phone now for free... woohoo!). So God has been showing me alot of stuff lately! I had a really crazy night probably the week end after I wrote my last blog, and I'm not going to go into alot of detail on here, but God is really changing me alot. He's been teaching me about my value and about how He REALLY created me to be. He made me to be a certain way and through all my hurts and insecurities that go along with living, I have turned into someone that I'm not actually. Not saying there's no value in those things, I learned so much and really try to use that knowledge, it's just more like I'm becoming bolder, for example, now that I'm more concerned with what God thinks about me etc.
I feel like everything about me is changing. My whole mindset is different, I'm seeing things in a brand new light. It's seriously super intense, you guys can't even fathom what is going on in my head these days. And I think alot of people are in the same boat, I was talking with two girls today and we were sharing how we can't even believe that someone can change so much in only two months or so. I really needed this, it's intense, I love it.
What else? I really love the people. It's an environment where you are constantly being encouraged and people genuinely love you. The no dating rule is actually such an amazing idea when it comes right down to it. I thought it was kinda weird and it didn't really apply to me because I have a freaking amazing and sexy boyfriend that I'm crazy over, but it makes life WAY WAY less awkward for everyone. Everyone is completely free to say anything they want and there is no worries about how it's taken or who likes who (I mean there are a few that you can tell it's something more, but even that isn't awkward for anyone). We all just hang out and tell each other how talented and awesome we are and it's great! I seriously want to be a Brazilian though. I think I seriously think about legally trading my race all the time! haha! Brazilian's are just the best! They are so good looking, everyone is so friendly, they all kiss everyone, nothing is awkward, everything is funny, and their food is to die for! The Brazilian kissing thing has defiantly rubbed off on everyone (just the girls don't worry babe). We always kiss each other, like alot, but it's awesome! (not inappropriately all you crazy people out there, just on the cheek and stuff).
The beach is awesome! I love the beach! And I love downtown, and I love the harbours. This city is just so great! I don't think I'll ever get over it! There's a video on facebook that my friend made and it's just of us marveling at this place WE LIVE IN! AH! We live here, it's so amazing!
Everyone is starting to really settle into their groups, but all intermingle, I don't think anyone is completely stuck to one group, which is so refreshing. I find London (don't get mad) so clichey (spelling?). It's hard to get out of the groups. There are groups and I don't think that's a problem, there's certain people that I'll tell things that I don't tell everyone, but that's just being smart (I think) but we all love each other and get along and hang out and we don't not not invite anyone. I mostly hang out with my roommate that I love so much! Stephanie! She's amazing, so beautiful and fun and awesome! Jasmine and Breanna are probably my besties here! I love them. Breanna reminds me alot of my Nessy, sort of a similar intensity, just in different ways. Jasmine is so funny, the cutest girl ever, so crazy! She has so many hidden talents it's kinda hilarious! So OCD though! Really really organized and she just loves her lists! But so fun and I love her! The Guys are amazing to! seriously there are a few guys I want to match up with some of you people but they might read this, and that would be awkward!
JEN AND MADY YOU GUYS NEED TO COME HERE FOR SCHOOL! Jenny - the social justice side is insanely intense, you would be blown away, and your heart will probably break everyday! Good thing God is so good, He can hold it together for you. Pansta - the TV and directing is actually super fun/intense. I got to be on a camera recently (I hate to brag but we had a guest director and after I went back into to the TV room and we were all getting debriefed and he was like 'whoever was on camera two, I respect you' IT WAS MY FIRST TIME!! *cheers*). Anyways, it was really fun, really intense, but fun! You would love it! And you could be a vocal major if you wanted and do TV as well, sorta volunteer-esk and you obviously learn more if you do it, but you could do that!
Hmm... Colour is on right now! It's a huge humanitarian conference! So amazing! It was last weekend wednesday-sunday and we had to serve from 6-10 everyday! so intense! This week it's a little different! The first years at the city campus are doing 'be the change', so we get to actually go out and make a difference! So we did that all day today! I was on a team that was cleaning and re-painting this youth home thing, it is so run down and dirty and nasty. I think it's kinda sorta like a juvy, it's run by the police, but I think kids go there like after school and stuff, mostly 'troubled' youth. So we spent the whole day painting it today!
I met my neighbours finally! I organized a day where I really tried to get all the students in my building to meet their neighbours! I don't think alot of people did it, but I did and I'm so glad! I'm usually quite shy (God is shaking that outta me) so it was a big deal, but me and my roomy baked banana muffins and stuff and took them over! They knew we were college students because alot of people move in and out of this apartment, but they are sweet!! The husband is a hobby photographer, so he invited me over for coffee sometime and he's going to teach me about my camera and stuff. He also just gave me these beautiful big photo's on nice paper and everything, of the harbour. He brought them over later, said his family loved the cupcakes! lol! So good! (Such a brazilian thing to say 'so good!').
Anyways, I don't know what else to say! I'm in a band! Super fun. It's for my tut. We have to preform for my music excellence class! It's so crazy though! We're doing a jazz version of wonderwall!!! woohoo!!! Our drummer (who is the sickest drummer EVER and all the other bands should be jealous) is going to record it on his mac so we can put it up, cuz it's going to be sick! Can't wait! I still love all my classes! And my tuts, my tut instructors are sweet! my music one, Hannah, is so freaking talented! She played for us, I wanted to die! She can play pretty much everything! It's amazing!
This is getting long again! Don't hate me! Love you all! Please say hi even if i don't respond, I just get really overwhelmed when I havn't been online in 3 weeks and theres so much going one, but i still really appreciate it and love it and love you! It'll be better now I promise!
<3 <3 <3
I really do miss you all!!! I miss people that know me! But God is good and is an amazing comforter, and provider! I love you guys, so much! You really don't know what you've got till it's gone!
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