Knowing Where to Start...

I want to Create

               I want to Learn

    I want to Build something from the bottom up

                         To Know, To Discover, To Chance, To Try

I want to take things that already exist

                                                    Things that people already know

          And Learn from them

Do things I've never Done

                        Try things I've never Tried

             Explore, Imagine

There are so many things I don't know

      I've never Experienced

I want to Learn as much as I can

                    Drink in other people's Knowledge

                                                               Expand on their Creativity

I have an image of Who I want to Be

           Things I want to Do

           Where I'd like to Go

                         I want to be a Designer

                                 a Creator

                                 a Learner

                                 a Traveler

                                 a 'proper' Lady

I want to waltz around in high heels       Loving the world to perfect health

                                                  The biggest problem is the Start

I'd rather just jump into the middle

            Already Knowing

                           Already Ready

    And let the                 Momentum                take me

            But momentum has to be Built

And floating along isn't going to get me anywhere

                                       The key is the Drive

Pushing past the frustration that becomes the obstruction

                                                             (which makes me wish I was slightly more competitive)

I'm learning that

                                      Creativity

                                                                 is actually easier within Structure

                                                                                             within Discipline

Mediocrity is just as close to the Bottom as it is to the Top

It's the Start

           I've always hated the Start

                           of Anything

                  of Everything

I want to Learn

            I want to Learn

                        I want to Learn

                                    I want to Learn!

Learn What?

                            Start Where?

          How?    When?

     When?

And then there's Time

                        GAH Time!!

                 There's never enough Time

                                                                                                                 (As is money!)

What to Read?

           Where to Look?

                        Who to Go to?

       HOW TO START?

The Challenge (and Thank-you to Bobby Houston for this one):

                               Not to Despise the Day of Small Beginnings.

   Day 1

I Guess it's Just up to Me....

So it's been a while since I've written, and a lot has happened.  I finished college and now I'm home.  I've been home only a week, but I'm struggling to adjust.  Seriously. I don't really know why, and I love my family, but I just have no desire to be here and stay here. I'd be completely content if I was just visiting right now. I kind of expected this to happen, because of how everything ended, I knew I was going to be heartbroken, and so it helps that I was prepared for it, but it still doesn't take it away. Everything in me wants to be back in Australia, even if I didn't go back to college. I miss my friends, I miss my church, I miss the atmosphere, I miss the sun, I miss the coffee (ha). I have a lot of things that I really wish I did differently, mostly I just wish I took more advantage of what I had there. I feel like it's so true, you don't know what you have until it's gone. I have a lot of things I want to do now that I'm home, which is good, hopefully I'll be able to organize my time better than I have in the past, which I know I'm getting better at. Probably when things settle down with Christmas it'll be better, more organized and less overwhelming, but I just can't help thinking that even if I just fill all my time up, it's not going to make me want to be here more. I don't really know. One thing I do know really well is that the more I learn, the less I know. Basically, it comes down to, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to be, I don't know where I'm going. I have an idea of what I want to do, the woman I want to be, but I just don't know how to get there, and my biggest struggle is still being disciplined to work hard enough for it. Everything ahead of me looks hard, scarey and lonely. I guess it just comes down to me just missing everyone and everything. I actually learned a lot in Australia, even if we complained about school all the time. I guess I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to keep it up, I don't know how to learn and grow without people telling me. I miss Sarah, I miss Luis. I don't really want to do this all by myself......

Something New (my first song written completely by myself!)

Verse:

I wake to find Batman playing in my room, 

I laugh and I know, we have to go soon.

He talks the whole way in a happy tone,

First time in years, I'll be home alone.

I hug him and love the smell of his skin,

I tell him “be good, and always listen.”

Wide eyed, he wiggles out of my embrace,

I watch him run into a brand new place.

Chorus:

Doing the right thing isn't always easy,

My life has been changed by having you with me.

I know in my head, this isn't going to last,

I watch as my boy's growing up too fast.

Goodbye's not an ending, it's a door to something new,

With tears in my eyes, I say “See you soon.”

Verse:

Into the driveway comes a rusty old truck

My son, loudly, comes driving up.

I see him pass the boxes in the hall,

His empty room, never seemed so small.

Ready to do the long drive 'cross state,

“I'll do my homework and won't stay up late.”

I say that I love him, He says it too,

I watch red tail lights fade from view.

Chorus:

Doing the right thing isn't always easy,

My life has been changed by having you with me.

I smile and I cry as he goes off alone,

Grateful, I know, he'll always come home.

Goodbye's not an ending, it's a door to something new,

I hug him and say “I'll be missing you.”

Bridge:

In college he met the girl of his dreams,

Football games and late night movies.

They got so close, they fell in love,

She feared the day that school was done.

(changes perspectives here, and a different singer)

Verse:

A mess of blonde hair, I can never tame, 

An emerald dress perfectly fits my frame.

I answer the door and reach for my coat,

His smile makes my heart jump to my throat.

We kiss as we dance, my head's spinning 'round,

Our final night, I beg time to slow down.

Our dreams are so different, our lives parting ways,

I love him enough not to ask him to stay.

Chorus:

Doing the right thing isn't always easy,

My life has been changed by having you with me.

Broken, I wish we didn't have to part,

But wishing, I know, only wounds the heart.

Goodbye's not an ending, it's a door to something new,

In my heart I know, I'll always love you.

326 Days in the Wonderful Land of Oz...

I love having my nails done, and four girls with the same underwear.  I love cute dresses and short shorts.  I love the smell after it's been raining.  I love Sarah's 'Medieval' tree and how you can find a vast array of flowers and trees in one spot.  I love the sound of the waves and the heat of sun-baked skin.  I love jumping on beds when things are good, and slamming doors when they're not.  I love that bleached haired eight year old's are surfing on any day at any given beach.  I love that coffee has it's own culture and that it's an art in this country.  I love 'toonie' times and how loud Jazzy can laugh.  I love Micheal Buble in the morning, and Justin Timberlake at any time of the day.  I love the diversity of the cultures represented and learning the differences between them.  Also, I love how funny some words sound when paired with certain accents.  I love how 'Trainwreck' is allowed to do and say whatever he wants.  I love that any meal can be fixed with thickened cream.   I love how we're loosing count of how many Jupee's there are, and arguing about how it's spelt.  I love Cory's bounce step and Breezy's intense swagga.  I love skating and going to Mad Mex.  I love how we've adopted each other's words and created our own language.  I love the sunset on the rocks at Maroubra.  I straight up love Robert Ferguson and Joel A'Bell.  I love listening to conversations I don't understand.  I love family dinners and charades.  I love chapel and sticking to the side vibe.  I love that a certain someone's boyfriend is 'so pretty'.  I love that seeing the Opera House still makes me feel like I'm dreaming.  I love how some non-English words have completely replaced some English ones.  I love watching movies and playing with hair.  I love listening to Jordan and Seamus when they're both determined to be right. I love how Hoyt's Cinema and The Establishment compete for our attention every Tuesday night.  I love Mr. Lspoonspoon and how we laughed so hard it was actually immense physical pain.  I love sleeping across from someone and spending half the night just talking, giggling and sometimes crying.  I love going through food phases, like oats, garlic bread and banana bread.  I love how just walking across the street, and even taking the bus, can be a life threatening endeavor.  I love how the red bandanna and the movie voice have become trade marks.  I love seeing dogs chillin outside Coles and how you will see someone you know there any time and every time you go, no matter how often in one day.  I love snuggling with the girls in a big bed.  I love that I have a brunette twin.  I love being called xuxu and getting my nose pet for what seems like forever.  I love hair days and kraft dinner with lemon pepper.  I love that Thursdays are spent at Starbucks when it's cold and Moore Park when it's sunny.  I love that six girls can somehow manage to share two bathrooms.  I love dark chocolate tim tams and learning how to steam milk.  I love listening to everyone's advice, even when I didn't ask for it, or even want it.  I love watching movies at the top of the hill.  I love the long walk home from the city after the buses have stopped running.  I love to hate the birds and the bugs.  I love Sukithai and French House.    I love that American and Canadian roommates can catch themselves swapping their ya'lls and eh's.  I love a freckle on an eyebrow and a red dot on a bottom lip.  I love that nothing needs to go unsaid and that anything is permissible, if not probable.  I love that mullets run rampant.  I love watching soccer and hearing football highlights.  I love 'beans', 'bag' and 'pasta' eh?  I love dancing, busking and freezing on the Opera House steps.  I love birthdays, dressing up and dance parties.  I love all the good times, the times that are heavy, when we're just living the dream, and but especially I just love that we do life together.  I love Australia, but I mostly just love the people, even though none of us are Aussie. =P

Oh, also, "We Love Rap Music".

I Know I'm Who I Am Today, Because I Knew You... A Legacy of Love.

I'm not really very sure what I should, what I can, say, there's way too much.  There aren't enough words in the English language to describe my Grandma, the way she was and the impact she had.  The world is a much better place solely because she lived in it.  Just know that anything and everything written here cannot illustrate a fraction of her life, her legacy.  


My Grandma is the most remarkable person I have had the pleasure, the honour, of coming in contact with. She is the embodiment of kindness, acceptance, patience, love. Everything about her, her daily life, the way she handled and carried herself, the way she interacted and cared for people, every piece of who she is has been such an influence in my life.  She brought so much to the lives of others, especially her family, kids, grandkids. Each and every day I had with her was filled with fun, laughter, joy and definitely cookies. I loved spending time with her. At the lake, tubing, wake-boarding, playing cards, going for walks, getting candy from the candy store, the hot springs, cooking and jumping from colour to colour on that crazy carpet she made. In Palm Springs going to the pool, playing cards, eating pickles, water aerobics, stand-belting, sun tanning, going to Kobe's and pasta night. Every day was an adventure, if it's a trip to the movies or the mall, or just hanging out watching the young and the restless in the kitchen with her. Every occasion I was able to spend with her was amazingly special. Christmas's, birthdays, piano recitals, anniversaries, my blessing and graduation; I never even contemplated not having her at my wedding.  She left such a lasting impression on my life and I won't go a day without what I've learned from her, and the way she lived her life, permanently implanted in me. 

“So much of me is made of what I learned from you, You'll be with me like a handprint on my heart.” 

I've been so extremely privileged to have had her in my life. I love her so much and I can't wait to see her again. But for now, I just hope I can learn to cook half as well as she did, love half as much as she did, and become half as gracious, kind, generous and wonderful as she has been toward me and everyone she came in contact with.  She is so amazing, I love her with everything in me and I'm going to miss her so much. 


Thank-you for everything Grammy <3 <3 <3 

Searching in the Normality

Comfort and familiarity.  Acceptance and easy laughter.  A place where care and discipline go hand in hand, creating an environment of freedom and safety.  The atmosphere is thick and sweet, each atom stuffed to the brim with faithfulness, joy and affection; unacknowledged, however, not unfelt.  In this place, the chest is open, exposed and vulnerable.  Trust, secured at first breath, unbroken, beats down walls, tears down pride, destroys fear.  Day to day adventures, life tendencies, natural longings stretch and claw to fill a hole in the center of a being.  The heart is gone, it's committed to that place, locked in a safe of patience, kindness, perseverance, goodness, hope, humility, perfect and never-ending love.

Enamoured, Inspired.

Lord, you've investigated me, examined my life, you know everything about me. You know my everyday normalities, my routines and daily life. You can hear my thoughts and know my mind, my habits and natural tendencies. You understand my words and what I say before I can even communicate my ideas.

Everywhere I go, You are there. I am surrounded by You, You encircle me with Yourself, with Your love. I am in your arms. Your presence is with me everywhere I go. This is hard to wrap my head around, too amazing for me to take in and understand.

Your Spirit is everywhere, Your presence fills the earth and I cannot escape it. No matter where I go, if I try to run and hide, You are all around. You are always with me, guiding me and leading, even when I'm surrendered to you, and when I want to run away. Anywhere I go, You are there. Even when I think I'm away from You, You see me. The darkness is not too dark for You to see into, in fact, it's just as easy as looking into a lit room.

You created me. You've made me the way you wanted me to be. Before I was born You were thinking of me and wiring my personality, my looks, my likes and dislikes, every moment of my life. Thank-You for creating me perfect in your sight. You do all things well, including me. You have not forgotten about me.  You aren't surprised by me, by my existence and the way I live my life.

I want to know Your thoughts, but there are so many of them. More than the stars, more than the sand are your thoughts toward me. Just to know a piece of your mind is so amazing to me. To hear your words is an unfathomable blessing. I am always on Your mind.

Investigate my life God, know my heart, my desires and longings. Examine my thoughts. My anxious urges and struggles. Show me the secret things in my life, the things I burry and hide. Where are the wrongs in my life? Clear Your path for my life, so I can follow hard after Your ways, into Your will.

I Spend my Life to Know, and I'm far from Close, The Greatness of Our God

What do I want people to say about me at the end of this semester??

The next three and a half months may be my last here in Oz.  I have so many mixed emotions, so many thoughts, lots to do and say.  In all honesty, I have no idea what people think about me.  Sometimes someone will tell me their opinion, most of the time I like it, sometimes I don't.  I don't think we can really know what people think, and we can say what we want them to, but usually there's a big difference between the two.  So I guess what I'm about to say is more of a goal, someone I'm striving to be.  I feel kinda vulnerable right now, and I'm slightly scared to post this because what if I don't end up succeeding? I hope maybe my past blogs on judgment and grace will have some effect in that case.  Can I just say though that I'm actually trying, working, striving.  It's a journey and I don't think I'll ever arrive.

I want to be a person full of grace and compassion.  I want to be truthful and transparent.  I want to love beyond my own ability.  I want the will of God and the fruits of the spirit to be active and evident in my life, not for my own benefit but for the benefit of others.

How does this happen?


Dear Future Self... (and anyone who wants to claim this for themselves)

I just want to write to encourage you.  I'm learning new and exciting things, and I want to document it now so later, when struggles and things come up, you can go back to it and be reminded.
You are blessed!  You are a person of great worth.  You have something to offer.  When you are struggling or going through hard times, remember God's will for your life.  Remember His promises.  He wants to bless you, He wants to give you good things.  You know His power, you've felt His love.  Now it's up to you.  God has already done the hard stuff.  All He's asking of you is to remain in Him.  Put your trust in Him, nail it down.  You know His goodness and you know He is trustworthy.  You don't need to question it.  Nail it in your heart and stay there.  Cling to Him and He will take care of you.  Sure He will prune you, cut things out of your life.  But, like in a diamond, the better the cut the more it's value is shown.  Make your home in His love.  Put your heart fully in His hands and let His fingers be the filter of what goes in and out of your life.  When you do get cut, when you are pruned,  it only helps create better fruit, bigger opportunities in the long run.  Remember, the things that come from your life, the fruits of the spirit, are for others, and God's will for you is only to benefit the world that He is so madly, passionately in love with.  He will help you produce good fruit, because you are planted in Him, you are planted in good soil.
Don't be discouraged.  Look up, focus your eyes, take a deep breath, plant your feet in place and remain, stay, cling to God.  He won't let you down.  He does all things well, including you.

Still Sorting...

First of all, I love college, but I really feel like I'm living in an alternative world.  Anything I've known, all kinds of societal norms are gone.  Plainly, this is not real life!  It's good and insanely frustrating at the same time.  I can't really think of one singular negative aspect, nothing is wrong, nothing is bad, but it feels very strange, for lack of better word.  That is the frustrating part.  The atmosphere is amazing, but the way of life is simply not normal to anything I've experienced, witnessed, or even heard of.  We live in a controlled, very close-knit, spiritual bubble.  I don't want anyone to get the wrong impression, this is a good place, a place where growth happens rapidly.  You hardly have time to recover from the growing pains before another one hits.  But I think this is why I love my job so much.  I feel like I'm in real life again.  At the same time, it kind of adds to my frustration a little, because it makes me question why I'm working in a restaurant when, if this was real life, I should be in a salon!  I'm not complaining, I just don't know how to sort through two completely different worlds, especially when neither of them are anything I ever expected for myself, and I'm constantly messing up both.  How can you be in the world and not of it?  I've heard this preached a millions times, but now that I'm experiencing it, I'm so confused.  In one world, I feel inadequate, desperate, overwhelmed.  In college I'm not a top cat in the slightest (which I'm perfectly fine with).  It's fast paced, and I feel like I'm moving in slow motion.  There is a constant nagging in me, something I don't know the words for.  I love the lectures and the atmosphere.  I love that we get to be leaders in church and volunteer at conference, but there's this underlying thing that is so unfamiliar, so abnormal.  In church I realize that power, love and grace are built right into God's very nature.  Nothing He does or says is short of any of those things.  I'm knowing (I don't know how to describe this feeling, it's like I know something in my head, but I'm securing it in my heart) that God goes beyond me, that no matter what failing I have God is always stronger, better, smarter.  In this environment I feel humbled and empowered at the same time.  At my work, around real, normal, everyday people, I feel like I don't belong, like I can't relate to them, can't touch them.  I want to be one of them, I want to be a real person that they can understand.  I feel like that's the best witness.  God's people are everyday, normal people.  We go through the same struggles, have the same fears and are not brainwashed or psycho.  We know realities.  We have to go to the doctor when we're sick, we use normal everyday common sense, good happens to us, and we have rainy days.  It's trying to find the balance that I'm struggling with.  When can these lives collide?  Where do they connect?  What can I take that is relevant to one and suitable for the other?  How can two lives perfectly combine to create the right mixture of personal growth and worldly testimony?

Hopefully a part two will arise with the answers, which, when it all boils down, will probably be love, but I'm still journeying this one.

If what You See is All You See, You will Never See all there is to See.

What is Grace?
What is Kindness?
What is Love?

Why is it when those words are brought up the words that come to mind are judgment, abandonment, disillusion?
How can they be talked about so freely, then forgotten when it comes to living it out?

Grace is something given that is not deserved.  It's when someone deliberately forgets and makes a valid effort to see beyond their faults and failures.   It is standing in the gap, going the distance.  It's being there for a person even if you don't want to, or if they don't want you.  It's loving beyond your capacity, beyond your nature.  Can grace be something that comes naturally?  Can we get to the point where we go beyond judgment and discrimination naturally?  Can we develop a heart that can step outside of the filter of our own perspectives, out of our own life experiences, from our limited perception of the world?  Can we leave ourselves behind and live looking from eyes of grace?

Kindness is plainly love with it's work boots on.  It's so easy to be kind to our friends and the people we like.  Even people we don't know can easily receive kindness when suffering.  The real test is the people we don't like, the people that don't make us feel good about ourselves, and especially the people we don't notice. Those are the people where kindness is extra hard.  More often that not it's because we assume others will handle them or we just don't think about it at all.  These are the ones that need open eyes, open ears, open minds in order to even notice.  If we were really aware and unselfish, maybe we could see beyond fake smiles and forced laughter.  How many people sit in lonely crowded rooms.  Their tongues don't work but their minds are burning, screaming.  Closed mindedness goes hand in hand with ignorance.  I have a love/hate relationship with this word, ignorance.  It's easy, you can hardly be faulted, but it covers landmines, buries casualties.  Society is moving toward social justice, and people are opening their eyes globally to pain and suffering.  We are encouraged to hurry up and grow up so we can save the world, but it just excuses us from being active here, opening our eyes to the now. 

Love.  What is the opposite of love, hate or indifference?  Love is a verb, it's an action, a decision.  Love is changing.  When we love someone we make and effort to learn everything about them, their ins and outs, the way they think, they way they talk, the stuff they share and the secrets they don't.  We cater to their wants, desires, personality.  We do things specifically to make them happy.  We mold to fit, we shift to impress, we bend to help and die to save.  We'd hardly notice the change, but it happens.  As relationships strengthen, two begin to look more and more alike.  Isn't that what being a Christian really means?  If we love God, we would want to know Him, we would want what He wants, we would love what He loves, we would break over what breaks Him.  If we really search after God, we would look more like Him, more 'Christ-like'.

I Would Die...

I Would Die... to wake up in my amazingly comfortable bed in my gorgeous room to the smell of sizzling bacon and the sound of my sister's beautiful voice.
I Would Die... for my mom's french toast cake with bacon, strawberries and cantaloupe, followed by a hot shower, professional hair products, Moroccan Oil and my massive collection of make-up.
I Would Die... to go visit Dr. Paula, the greatest and most sorely missed chiropractor ever.
I Would Die... to sit on my patio in early summer with a massive salad, chips and fresh homemade salsa, playing Joke'R'Rummy with my family, listening to All Summer Long, and singing I Say a Little Prayer for You. 
I Would Die... for a manicure/pedicure, chatting with my favorite hairstylists/estheticians, the smell of cleanliness, hairspray, shampoo, familiarity.  I would even be stoked to run into old clients. 
I Would Die... to go shopping on Richmond street, buy a new dress, cardigan, necklace, headband and shoes.
I Would Die... to spend the night at Demetri's, laughing till not only my sides hurt, but my face and abs and even chest and lungs hurt, making fun of Mady's 'ice cream slip', then racing home in my Dad's standard jetta.
I Would Die... to cook a five star, four course dinner with my Dad followed by a night of hockey, football or Jack Bauer.
I Would Die... for a High School Musical 3 dance off, which basically means a Jen and Mady showcase, and a Brittany massacre.  
I Would Die... for a giggly snuggle fest, couch wars, falling asleep in any number of beds and laying on the floor in the sliver of sunlight pouring in through the window.
I Would Die... to sit in the counseling chair and watch my Mom's limited computer ability.
I Would Die... for my favorite books and the fireplace, the couch outside and the heat lamp.
I Would Die... for my piano and my sister's voice combined.
I Would Die... for my Mom's funny little arm, step dance then my Dad's attempt at intervention, and the step-a-step-a.  
I Would Die... for Comfort and Familiarity.
I Would Die... for complete understanding of each other's personalities, how to interact and relate.
I Would Die... for late night talks full of vulnerability and absolutely no thought of judgement.
I Would Die... for a lifetime of togetherness and experiences of every shape and colour, whilst continuing in encouragement and support.
I Would Die... for easy laughter, where mistakes are made without condemnation and guilt, where forgiveness flows freely and pride is forgotten because of the safety and security of the environment.
I Would Die... to live and learn through each other, no holding back, only trust because we've earned it.
I Would Die... for Simplicity.
I Would Die... for healthy bodies.
I Would Die... for for knowledge and understanding in what is to come.

I Would Die... for Christians to realize that, often, we are the problem because of falseness and judgment. 

I Would Die... for strength and Peace.  

I Would Die... for daily revelations from God for me and my sissy's.  

I Would Die... for my Grandma to live cancer free and fully understand the greatness and power of God's love. 
I Would Die... for the gifts inside my sister's to be shaken till their passions for justice and love explode on the world.
I Would Die... for an unshakable touch of God in all the lives of my family members. 

I Would Die... for Love, Strength and Wisdom. 

I'd Like to Know what's Keeping Me from Seeing this Ground as New Ground

I know the feeling of the soles of my shoes hitting the ground
                                             All too well. 
Signals sent from brain to feet and back.
Without a thought I've made my way from home, to church, to coles, to a friend's.
Going out of my way to parade over only the crunchiest looking leaves. 
Something as simple as walking, moving, travelling from one place to another
                                                               taken for granted daily. 


I Love the Beauty in the Most Basic Realities.  



Sitting, early for class
                                        a class I dread most.  
A shiny black piano my only company
It stares me down, the exterior removed, bearing all to the gradually filling classroom.
"Your up."
Heart racing, hands sweating, face flushing.
Has anyone felt so much of a failure?
Inadequate?  Incompetent?  Of poor quality?
I might cry.  I probably will.
Some people are blessed with natural ability.
Some people have to work at it.
This should be motivating, inspiring.
Feeling more intimidated, lethargic, stressed.
Excellence is eluding, and I am responsible to pursue it.
                                                         Isn't that what I'm here for?


Over Tired, Overwhelmed
Under Committed, Uninspired
Sick, Sore, Scatterbrained.  


Free apple cider.
What a surprise, only for me.
A slow sip, a happy sigh.
Delicious, Warm
                        Liquid comfort.
It's always the littlest things that catch my attention
          Leave me in awe.
Warmth fills my body with assurance, comfort, stillness.
Everyone and everything fall away.
It's just me, it's up to me.
Open your eyes.
You can do it, you have to
                                                  or you might loose it.



Simple elegance shows up at exactly the right moment. 

I Look Back and See the Genius in Everything

The heavens declare the glory of God, the skies proclaim the work of His hands. Day after day they pour forth speech, night after night they display knowledge.

The sky, I think, is one my most favourite parts of creation. I like flowers and trees too, but the sky, wow, it's amazing. It's constantly changing. I think it changes the most frequently and is the most varied. Bright, blue, pink, orange, grey, black, starry and any of the above combined. Tonight I witnessed the most beautiful sunset. Looking from my 9^th floor balcony I could see so many colours, so many combinations, pink clouds, orange sun, meanwhile, on the ground, you could see that it was dark and rainy. So unbelievable. And the stars, oh man. When I was at the horse camp thing a couple weeks ago, I saw more stars in the sky on one night than I think all the night in my life combined. Dang light pollution eh? But it was seriously unreal. Like I was looking at the entire galaxy at once. I remember not being able to look away. I was enamoured by it. I didn't even realize that it was possible to see so many stars at once.

The heavens exclaim the glory of God, the skies shout the work of His hands.

Coming back to the verse, I really want to know what speech and knowledge the sky is so creatively expressing. I looked into stars a little, for this reason. Maybe if I can learn a bit about the sky I can learn a bit about what it's conveying. I learned that there is a star called a Neutron star that is created in the core of a supernova explosion. The star collapses and crushes every proton and electron together, creating only neutrons. Neutron stars are the most dense object known to man. The heavier this star gets, the smaller it gets. It would be like if a 10 pound bag of flour was smaller than a 5 pound bag. One sugar cube of this star weighs about 100 million tons.

The heavens praise your wonders, O Lord, your faithfulness too. For who in the skies above can compare with the Lord? Who is like the Lord among the heavenly beings?

Neutron stars have a mass of between 1.4 and 3 times that of our sun, and are only about 10 miles across. The gravitational pull is 2 x 10^11 times that of earth's. The rotation of the star increases as is collapses. It rotates at about 30,000km/sec. It emits electromagnetic radiation that can be detected on earth in pulses, aka pulsars.

God made two great lights – the greater light to govern the day and the lesser light to govern the night. He also made the stars.

So what is this knowledge, this majesty that the sky is proclaiming? What does it want to say to us? That everything is an accident? That the purpose of our lives is to do anything we want for us to be happy, rich, successful? Maybe the complex in the sky is showing us that really it's not even about us. The galaxy is so big, so phenomenal, we are actually quite small in comparison.

The heavens declare the glory of God, the skies proclaim the work of His hands.

I've been actively trying to figure out what creation is telling me, but maybe it's right there. Maybe it's just God's way of saying 'Here I am. I did this for you, to prove to you My love. Love that is greater than this tremendous universe. Here I am'.

Give thanks to the Lord, for He is Good; who made the great lights – the sun to govern the day, and the moon and stars to govern the night. His love endures forever.

My Heart for His House - Because Your with me, I will Not Fear

How come it is scarey to trust God with the things He gave me in the first place? He took care of it long before it was even in my hands. How come I have to remind myself to trust God with everything? I know that I trust Him as God, but it feels like I have to literally go through everything little thing and give it to Him individually. How come it's so easy to screw up over and over again? I feel like this is the meaning of apology. To apologize and ask forgiveness is to turn around, not to ask and keep asking, but to ask then change. Why is this so hard? How come it's so easy to fall back into old habits. I'm trying to kill them, trying to let them go, and I do, for like a week, then I'm back where I started. I've seen progress, I know what it looks like, but now it feels like I take two steps forward and sometimes one step back, sometimes three. How do I get this to stick?

Today we made pledges for the Heart for the House offering. I had a number in my mind, that I felt was a bit of a stretch but I that could handle, but God kept telling me that this has to be a sacrifice. This was scarey as hell. A major struggle went on within me, I was literally fighting God in my mind. Shaking with fear and uncertainty. What if God doesn't provide? I don't want to be giving to God in order to get something from Him, but I really can't afford this.

The minute I wrote down the number that God gave me, and put in the bucket I felt like God was teaching me something about faith. He told me that I just made a statement in the spiritual realm. He's going to give me what I need, and this statement is me fully trusting in Him for my family and future. My family is my life, and I know I hold on to them so tight, so to hear God specifically speak to me about them is a huge deal for me. I was so overwhelmed, consumed by His power. He's going to take care of me, He's going to take care of my family. He's already planned it. His miracle is for His glory. My provision, my family's salvation, healing, all my hopes and desires are taken care of.

This is why it's okay not to know the answers. If I could do it on my own, if I could think of it in myself, then His name isn't exalted! I think for this reason faith needs to be blind more often than not. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen. It is being sure of what we hope for, certain of what we don't see. How can we know what God has? God is bigger than anything and everything. If I can do a little bit on my own with the resources I have available to me, just think about what God created out of nothing. He is more than capable to do above and beyond what I can't even fathom.

So I don't know if God is going to give me money as provision for what I pledged in the heart for the house, maybe He won't heal me, my sister or my grandma, maybe my family won't get saved, maybe I won't get married and my dreams won't been realized, but maybe that's not the point. I do know that that money is going to be given to starving and hurting people, because I know the church I belong to is faithful and they aren't just trying to scam my money. I've witnessed it. So I guess that's enough. Maybe God asked me to give what I didn't think I was capable of just for this lesson of complete surrender. I'm learning that it's okay to cry, it's okay to be overwhelmed, it's okay to feel alone, it's okay to be unsure and afraid, it's okay not to know the answers or even the question sometimes, as long as God is at the centre, He knows. Maybe this surrender is solely an act of worship, to acknowledge His greatness. He's going to reign either way.

The heavens declare the glory of God, the skies proclaim the work of His hands. Creation is screaming God's goodness, why can't I join in? I guess this is all or nothing.

If Grace is an Ocean We're all Sinking

So I'm sitting in this cute little camp site in the middle of the outback in Aus, and it's freaking amazing!! God is unbelievable!! Bryana is here, I'm pretty sure she loves it... who wouldn't love this country.

I was reading in Philippians, and seriously, I learn so freaking much from the Bible. I know that's such a Sunday school revelation, but I think it's something that people who grow up in the church take for granted. Please don't do that!! There's so much gold in there. God teaches me something every time. And it's usually so basic, something that I should know, but just reveled to me in a different way, or with a deeper meaning. Take your time reading the Bible. The best way I've figured out is to have a note book and to write as I'm reading, I find that when I write things work themselves out and become more apparent.

Anyways.. I just wanted to share a bit about what I'm learning. In Philippians 1 it says something about your love becoming more and more in knowledge and depth of insight. I was thinking about me for example, I know that I'm a lovey person, and I think that it's something that God can really use to help me reach people. But it's not enough just to love people. I have this stance that if I love people the way they are, not judging, not circumstantial, then that is a way that I can reach them. I think that because I know for a fact that the world views Christians as super judgmental with a double-standard. And a lot of the non-Christians I know would rather get advice from a non-Christian, and not go to church, not because they don't like church, but because the Christians there are not inviting or accepting. And, I'm sorry, but I know Christians like that. Or at least that's the way they put themselves across. Anyways, I really believe that if you just love on people it's a really good way of showing Jesus without preaching to them and scaring them away. But I'm just learning that the more and more knowledge you have, and the more insight into people and God, the more your love grows. Maybe this is super basic, but I've always just tried my hardest to love on people the way they need it, the way they comprehend it. Like, you can just hug a person that hates being touched. But I think that this concept is more about pressing into God and learning about His love, because His love can reach anyone where they're at. Anyways... I guess if I can try to understand God's love, which is so big and deep it would take more than a lifetime to understand, but if I try, I can love learn how to love people more like Jesus, and therefore show them Jesus through my life. I hope that makes sense.

I seriously love all you all!! I hate to say this, because I sound like I'm bragging, but my heart is so overwhelmed and completely full of love when I think about people. People in my life, my family and friends, the people close to me, and as well for those who I know I'm called reach out. I actually feel like I could cry, because my heart is aching with this, in a good way I think. Maybe it's my friend and her boyfriend playing the piano and singing to God, it's beautiful. =)

Anyways, that's it. <3 <3 <3 XOXOXOXOOXOXO

Clean and Empty

What a mess...

My life, like my stuff scattered mindlessly over this cramped space I call home.
Ideas, dreams, wants, thoughts, goals, desires

thrown carelessly in the chaotic wreck also known as my mind.

Misplaced, mishmashed jumbles.

That hair-sprayed mirror hanging in my cluttered little bathroom knows it all.
She always sees my complete disarray.
She sees the transformation from morning half-consciousness

to the perfectly made-up person I present to the world.

Then at night she judges me.

'What did you do today?
How have you spent your time?
Where did this shift in priorities come from?
How can you forget so easily?'

I haven't forgotten

I just don't want to remember.

They say old habits die hard, but
Did they ever try a completely new personality?

Who is this person I'm looking at?
I'm still trying to figure her out.
She's beautiful, she's bold

her eyes are clear like crystals.

Maybe that's the problem.

Ignorance is bliss.

So how do I clean up this mind?
Where is the beauty from ashes?
I can't even figure out what is what, or which goes where.
I'm supposed to think about what is pure and noble

true, lovely and right, but

What are those things?
Overwhelm has turned from an adjective into a state of being.


My heart aches from desperation

and I'm drowning in Your love.

I just realized I have three credit cards... that's scary!!!!

Hey guys, I haven't written in so long, it's crazy.

Things are going well, the last couple days have been so crazy, but so fun! It was my friend Zoe's birthday and we had a party for her at my friend's flat last Wednesday which was really fun.

Thursday was pretty cool, there was a meteor shower at 2am. So a bunch of people were hanging out and we walked halfway to the city. Then went to this hill that's near our house and a ton of people were there laying on blankets and we all watched the meteor shower (I actually only saw one, I think). We stayed there for a pretty long time then came home and made hot chocolate and hung out till 5 am. A bunch of people got together in the morning and made french toast breakfast with real canadian maple syrup [which everyone loves so maybe someone should send me some ;) ].

Then it was Alex's birthday, and we had a birthday weekend for her. So fun. We did this whole spa day for her (I love having a skill where I can do these sorta things for my friends). Everything was a surprise, I did her hair and her nails and Jasmine did her make-up. We also rounded up a bunch of dresses from some of the girls here so that she could have a bunch of options. There's nothing like wearing a new dress on your birthday. The theme was black white and pink, and she was so surprised and loved it. We went to Max Brenner's, which is this chocolate restaurant thing, it's friggen sweet. We were going to go to karaoke, but the karaoke place ended up being super lame so a bunch of people went out dancing, and me and one of my friend's didn't want to go so we ended up walking home. Which was also fun. The next day we had a big surprise party for her. Me and Jasmine made her the sweetest cake in the whole world, it took us like 3 hours. Again, everything was black, white and pink. She was so surprised and super happy!! That was Friday and Saturday. There were a bunch of English guys here that she knew from home so they hung out with us all week-end.

Sunday was church, as per usual, and it was amazing, as per usual, but it was exceptionally amazing this week. woohoo!

We had a long weekend because it was ANZAC day (which is like remembrance day) so we went to the beach all day on monday, and I was going to learn to surf, but conditions were too crazy and the lifeguard yelled at us! haha!

Tuesday I had class then went out with a friend and WROTE MY FIRST SONG!!!!!! Sarah is amazing, she really really helped so much. I asked her to teach me stuff about song writing and she was just like okay, let's write a song, so we DID!! woohoo!!! I love her!

Wednesday I spent the whole morning cleaning my flat for inspection and dancing like an idiot (for you Jen and Mady), which my roommate got on tape so that may surface on youtube sometime (cross your fingers it doesn't). Then we went to the beach and got super lost, which was hilarious. Finally, we made it and I got my first real surfing lesson! woohoo! I'm super sucky, but that's to be expected, and it was really cold. The water was warm but being wet just on the beach was horrible. But the beach was amazing, there was like no one there except us and it was so chill, the sun was out and the waves were so cool. I could have just sat there and watched the surfers all day, but I got to try it which was way better anyways. Luis was teaching me, it was so sweet, I really tried to get up but it was kinda scary. Thank the Lord for my rash guard shirt, I would have died of frost bite, and my whole stomach would have been scratched up. Next time I'll get up for sure (cross your fingers). Then my friend David came by and we stole other one of my friend's guitar's and worked on my song in the stairwell, which was pretty cool, good acoustics down there! He's the man!!!!!!!! =)

Anyways, that was a pretty crazy week. Super awesome, busy and tiring. I'm stoked on life, writing a song, meeting crazy Brits, surfing, meteor shower, staying up late, breakfast dates.... freaking damn. =)

Koza - Papa Goat

So, me and one of my friends were talking last night about our families, and I just thought I would put up some stuff.

So my Dad is the best! Just thought everyone should know. I am such a Daddy's girl it's unreal. He is so awesome and I miss him so much!!

I was thinking about that time we went tubing down the Elora Gorge!! We both had monday's off when I was working at Scizzorhands and we were just thinking about what we should do for the day and just decided to go, even though it was cold and really random. I loved it! Going out in our wet suits, looking hilarious but it was totally worth it. And then I almost drowned and my Dad just stood on the edge taking pictures and killing himself laughing.

And we always cook together!! Seriously I'm so grateful, I think I would be so useless in the kitchen if I hadn't started cooking with my Dad. He makes the craziest stuff, and everything has to be a masterpiece. It's always an experiment. From full on live lobsters to torching creme caramel, it's always a tasty adventure.

Our annual Stampeder's vs Argo's games. I love it so much. There's something about going to a football game with my Dad and sister's on a gorgeous fall afternoon. Getting booed from all the Argo fans as we walk around T-dot in full on Calgary cowboy (and girl) gear, watching our team win (as per usual) and making fun of those same Argo fans after the game. It's always a good time. Everyone always falls asleep on the way home and it's up to me to watch the road and talk my Dad to death in order to make sure he stays awake.

And when we drove my car home from Calgary. Such good times, finding a hotel at 3am and the only place we could get was a smokers room in this crappy little town, we both woke up with smokers cough. Flem's Hardware and listening to sweet home Alabama for hours on end (it was when it first came out by Kid Rock and they played it so often that sometimes every radio station had it going at once. It started out as a sweet song, got really annoying, then was almost funny because of how often it was played).

My Dad is hilarious (but don't tell him cause then he won't stop his 'dad' jokes). Always making everything fun. Like a shopping trip to Ikea def wouldn't be complete without taking 'bathroom' pictures in the showrooms.

I learn so much from my Dad. He's so helpful, always trying to get us to start our own businesses, and encouraging us in our various interests. And when I did show interest in starting my own business he called all his contacts about getting me appointments with his lawyer friends and people that know stuff that could help. Always supporting every decision, even when it took me across the country and eventually across the world. Calling me every morning when I first moved out, then again for months right before I moved back. Even if I didn't appreciate being woken up early, it was nice to know I was loved and missed.

Anyways, I love my whole fam jam my mom and my sister's are so awesome and I would die without them, but I'm such a Daddy's girl and I was just missing him so I thought I would write it on here and say thanks for everything! I really appreciate it and love and miss you!!

<3

You are my Everything, and I will Adore You

Romans 1:16-32
Vs 20 "For His invisible attributes, namely His eternal power and divine nature, have been clearly perceived ever since the creation of the world, in the things that have been made. so they are without excuse."

Paul is talking about how the people have become unrighteous even though God has showed Himself plainly to them. They are in the wrath of God, and Paul is saying that they don't have any excuse because God has shown Himself to them. This verse is saying that God's great power is shown clearly through creation. The earth screams of His goodness and power. From the gigantic stars that can fit inside a spoon, to atoms and parts of atoms that are unexplainable in behavior! How can we ignore it? How can we feign indifference? How can I go on in life ignoring the presence of God that is revealed around every corner? I am without excuse! Wow, I can't go through life and pretend I didn't know. There is no possible way you can't acknowledge the splendor of God's greatness. The earth is buzzing with it. It's like the wind, where does it come from? Where is it going? Where does it stop? It's so incredible, so strong and powerful and at the same time it is soft and refreshing. Now that I have seen God's love and power I am responsible! I can't go on the way I did before, I can't continue to ignore His voice. I can't walk away unchanged. I'm so aware of my weakness, my inability to see a bigger picture. I don't know what my life holds, what's around the corner. I'm tired of making my own decisions and watching them fail, watching them lead me nowhere, watching them hurt others and myself. I can't do this. I can't do this on my own! I have a responsibility to respond to what God is doing around me. There is no other option. Now that I have seen, felt, heard, I am responsible! Faith without action is dead. It's nothing. I can't even function without going to God about everything. Things run much smoother when God is involved. On my own, I am a mess. I want my whole heart, soul, mind, spirit to be focused on God alone. This is so hard. There are so many distractions. Things I want to hold onto. I am struggling hardcore. I am insanely overwhelmed, continually overwhelmed. My heart can't take much more of this, I am literally at a loss of breath constantly. Luckily for me, God doesn't ask me to do it all, to carry it all. All I have to do is hand it over, daily. His strength is so so much more than mine. His capacity is never ending. I feel like a cup that is overflowing and God is a huge bowl around me catching the rest. I need help. Thank-you Jesus for everything. Love, joy, peace, grace, forgiveness. I am in awe. I love you!

You are God of all Else I'm Letting Go.

Genesis 3:8-10

Adam and Eve heard God toward them and there were afraid to they hid. God asked "where are you?" God doesn't need to ask, He already knows, maybe he asks so that we'll understand where we are, that we're not walking beside Him anymore. Adam tells God that they were afraid because they were naked so they hid. How many times are we afraid because we are naked and vulnerable? When we sin, suddenly we have something to hide. When we realize things aren't how they seem, that we are walking vulnerable, we hide. Maybe it's time to step out of our hiding, expose ourselves to God and be vulnerable before Him! Later is says that God clothes them. He will take care of us. We can't just go through life hiding behind trees, jumping into bushes, we need to cast fear aside and be completely vulnerable before God. Courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgement that something else is more important than fear. Give God the chance to clothe us, to mend us, to take care and support us. This first requires stepping out and surrendering ourselves to God!
Thank-you Jesus for you love and support. I want to stand before you vulnerable and fully surrendered. Help me make the right choices, I can't make these decisions on my own. I'm completely alone and susceptible, right now. I can't rely on anyone else but you. I'm desperate Jesus. Speak to me, use me. All I want is more of you.

You are Good when there's Nothing Good in me.

Romans 2:1-16
Vs 4 "Don't you seen how wonderfully kind, tolerant and patient God is with you? Does this mean nothing to you?"
Vs 8 "But He will pour out His anger and wrath on those who live for themselves."
Vs 15-16 "They demonstrate that God's law is written in their hearts, for their conscience and thoughts wither accuse them or tell them they are doing right. And this is the message I proclaim - that the day is coming when God, through Christ Jesus, will judge everyone's secret life."

In the context of the whole passage, Paul is talking about judging others, and how we will be judged. He's also talking about the law and good and evil. These four verses stuck out to me the most because I never want to forget God's love and patience with me. It's everything! It's amazing, I don't deserve any of it. Every time I try to do things on my own He just waits patiently for me to come back to Him. There is an abundance of grace that is so overwhelming, second chances that are never-ending. His love is so much more than anything I can get from the things of the world, from other people. Anything I have to offer outside of the love of Christ is dirt. It's nothing. God's love is so pure and holy. I want to be filled with God's love so anything I give out to my friends and family is not out of my strength, but out of God's. Jesus, remind me daily about your love and grace. I want to be consumed by it. I never want to take what Jesus did for granted. Vs 8 really got me. I am constantly battling this in my heart. I want to be in God's perfect will for my life. The things He has for me are so much more than the things I can conjure up for myself. His ways are so much more effective. Thank-you Jesus for you grace and I give my heart fully to you again today. I can't live for myself anymore. Thank-you again for the nagging on my consicence. I don't want to have a secret life. I wanna be fully transparent, so that every angle of my life shows who you are. Thank-you for your strength and compassion.

Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin

Jesus, I am so desperate for your touch in my life. I don't just need it, or want it, I'm desperate Lord. My heart is just so ready for you.
You are so amazing, You showed us a glimpse of heaven and glory by sending Your son.
In a moment you can step into a life, intervene, etc. You give so much meaning into life. So much hope and future forever in Your name.

More and more I reach out and call on Your name. I am learning that there's nothing greater than Your love. Nothing is greater, not friends, family, not my boyfriend and my sisters. Everything I value, the things that make me who I am, the things that I use to place value on my life are nothing compared to Your intense love. Your love is so full, so thick in my life. So evident in everything around me. Even the earth proclaims Your greatness. It's so unreal, I can't even get over it. The bigness of the universe, and the smallness, You didn't miss a single little detail! How could all of everything ever just come to be? The creativity, the preciseness, it's so intricate! The uniqueness of each and every individual.
Your grace and mercy has saved me by your blood. Grace meaning giving me things that I don't deserve, mercy being not giving me the things I do.
Seriously, it's unreal. Every shame, every bit of guilt, insecurities, fear, all of it gone in Your love.

Your love is like fire that burns for all to see. Your love is like a man who finds something of great worth buried in the ground. He goes and sells EVERYTHING he owns and buys the land where he found the treasure!! How can he not give up everything for the treasure when he knows he'll be extremely rich if he only buys that land. Your love is so unconditional, not judgmental. It is quick to forgive and forget, it won't hold anything against you. It won't stop, it won't betray, it doesn't hold grudges. It doesn't require anything other than love back. You pour it out so heavy it's impossible to contain.
All I want, Jesus, is to worship at your feet. I can't even fathom Your greatness. I get to see glimpses of it. Give me a heart of worship, give me a heart that longs for you. Still my rebellious will, my heart that wants just to live for myself. I can't do it on my own. Your plans are so much bigger than anything I can even imagine. Let Your fire consume my life.

Take me deeper in Your love. Your love that is patient and kind, that is not self-seeking. Love that always protects, always trusts always hopes always perseveres, and never fails. Draw me closer to Yourself, teach me this kind of love, this kind of life.
All I want is more of you!

I am completely surrendered and in awe of Your love. Continually humbled by the message of Your cross. What kind of person gives up everything for someone they've never met? And by everything, I mean everything. How humbling would it be for God to even live on earth? Giving up complete love by angels and heavenly beings, richness and majesty, only to be mocked, beat and finally torturered to death.
I stand abandoned in your presence and embrace. No, I can't even stand in Your presence. It's so insane that You would even embrace me. You hold me in your hands, you know my every thought. Not just my thoughts, You know my wants and desires, not because you made me and that's just how it goes, but because You've chosen to get to know me on a personal level. You not only know the big things in life, the things I tell my friends, but the things that I hold on to, the things I really don't tell people. You, also, give me free will. Which is hard to understand. You can control us but you choose to give us free will, fully knowing that we might not choose You. How incredible. Your love continues to amaze me. You love us so much that Your willing to give us the choice to not love You back.
I'll never be the same. I don't want to be the same. How can I experience this, kinda wrap my head around it, and go back. Go back to what? To insecurities, to fear, to shame? Your love wipes it all away, those things don't matter. In Your love, what should I be afraid of? People, finances, sickness? You are my provider, my comforter, my healer. I am a daughter of the King, I am beautiful, I have worth. I have been bought with a VERY large price.

When You call I will follow. I want to be completely in Your will. I know what I'm supposed to do. To learn to do right, seek justice, encourage the oppressed, defend the cause of the fatherless, and plead the case of the widow. In Your strength these things can be accomplished as long as I stop trying to do it my way, with my knowledge and resources. I only know so much, I can only afford so much, I need You to go above and beyond anything I can do in myself.

Thank-you for Your love, Jesus I belong to you.

If I Could Read Your Mind, I Would Probably Wear More Clothes Everyday

Hey all! So it's been over a month, wow, so lame. I haven't even been online in almost three weeks though so please forgive me. The last time I wrote was just after valentines day! wow, so much as happened, it's unreal. I don't even know where to start!

I don't think I've mentioned all the God stuff that's been going down, so I'll write about that! umm... I really don't know how to explain this all to you, but God is so amazing. I know I have alot of friends who are going to disagree and think this is crazy and not understand, and honestly, I don't know what to say to you guys, because I really think I know what your going to say/think after reading this. Doesn't matter, I'll just write it and if you think I'm crazy we'll have to have a phone date (I just got internet this evening so you can call my VOIP phone now for free... woohoo!). So God has been showing me alot of stuff lately! I had a really crazy night probably the week end after I wrote my last blog, and I'm not going to go into alot of detail on here, but God is really changing me alot. He's been teaching me about my value and about how He REALLY created me to be. He made me to be a certain way and through all my hurts and insecurities that go along with living, I have turned into someone that I'm not actually. Not saying there's no value in those things, I learned so much and really try to use that knowledge, it's just more like I'm becoming bolder, for example, now that I'm more concerned with what God thinks about me etc.

I feel like everything about me is changing. My whole mindset is different, I'm seeing things in a brand new light. It's seriously super intense, you guys can't even fathom what is going on in my head these days. And I think alot of people are in the same boat, I was talking with two girls today and we were sharing how we can't even believe that someone can change so much in only two months or so. I really needed this, it's intense, I love it.

What else? I really love the people. It's an environment where you are constantly being encouraged and people genuinely love you. The no dating rule is actually such an amazing idea when it comes right down to it. I thought it was kinda weird and it didn't really apply to me because I have a freaking amazing and sexy boyfriend that I'm crazy over, but it makes life WAY WAY less awkward for everyone. Everyone is completely free to say anything they want and there is no worries about how it's taken or who likes who (I mean there are a few that you can tell it's something more, but even that isn't awkward for anyone). We all just hang out and tell each other how talented and awesome we are and it's great! I seriously want to be a Brazilian though. I think I seriously think about legally trading my race all the time! haha! Brazilian's are just the best! They are so good looking, everyone is so friendly, they all kiss everyone, nothing is awkward, everything is funny, and their food is to die for! The Brazilian kissing thing has defiantly rubbed off on everyone (just the girls don't worry babe). We always kiss each other, like alot, but it's awesome! (not inappropriately all you crazy people out there, just on the cheek and stuff).

The beach is awesome! I love the beach! And I love downtown, and I love the harbours. This city is just so great! I don't think I'll ever get over it! There's a video on facebook that my friend made and it's just of us marveling at this place WE LIVE IN! AH! We live here, it's so amazing!

Everyone is starting to really settle into their groups, but all intermingle, I don't think anyone is completely stuck to one group, which is so refreshing. I find London (don't get mad) so clichey (spelling?). It's hard to get out of the groups. There are groups and I don't think that's a problem, there's certain people that I'll tell things that I don't tell everyone, but that's just being smart (I think) but we all love each other and get along and hang out and we don't not not invite anyone. I mostly hang out with my roommate that I love so much! Stephanie! She's amazing, so beautiful and fun and awesome! Jasmine and Breanna are probably my besties here! I love them. Breanna reminds me alot of my Nessy, sort of a similar intensity, just in different ways. Jasmine is so funny, the cutest girl ever, so crazy! She has so many hidden talents it's kinda hilarious! So OCD though! Really really organized and she just loves her lists! But so fun and I love her! The Guys are amazing to! seriously there are a few guys I want to match up with some of you people but they might read this, and that would be awkward!

JEN AND MADY YOU GUYS NEED TO COME HERE FOR SCHOOL! Jenny - the social justice side is insanely intense, you would be blown away, and your heart will probably break everyday! Good thing God is so good, He can hold it together for you. Pansta - the TV and directing is actually super fun/intense. I got to be on a camera recently (I hate to brag but we had a guest director and after I went back into to the TV room and we were all getting debriefed and he was like 'whoever was on camera two, I respect you' IT WAS MY FIRST TIME!! *cheers*). Anyways, it was really fun, really intense, but fun! You would love it! And you could be a vocal major if you wanted and do TV as well, sorta volunteer-esk and you obviously learn more if you do it, but you could do that!

Hmm... Colour is on right now! It's a huge humanitarian conference! So amazing! It was last weekend wednesday-sunday and we had to serve from 6-10 everyday! so intense! This week it's a little different! The first years at the city campus are doing 'be the change', so we get to actually go out and make a difference! So we did that all day today! I was on a team that was cleaning and re-painting this youth home thing, it is so run down and dirty and nasty. I think it's kinda sorta like a juvy, it's run by the police, but I think kids go there like after school and stuff, mostly 'troubled' youth. So we spent the whole day painting it today!

I met my neighbours finally! I organized a day where I really tried to get all the students in my building to meet their neighbours! I don't think alot of people did it, but I did and I'm so glad! I'm usually quite shy (God is shaking that outta me) so it was a big deal, but me and my roomy baked banana muffins and stuff and took them over! They knew we were college students because alot of people move in and out of this apartment, but they are sweet!! The husband is a hobby photographer, so he invited me over for coffee sometime and he's going to teach me about my camera and stuff. He also just gave me these beautiful big photo's on nice paper and everything, of the harbour. He brought them over later, said his family loved the cupcakes! lol! So good! (Such a brazilian thing to say 'so good!').

Anyways, I don't know what else to say! I'm in a band! Super fun. It's for my tut. We have to preform for my music excellence class! It's so crazy though! We're doing a jazz version of wonderwall!!! woohoo!!! Our drummer (who is the sickest drummer EVER and all the other bands should be jealous) is going to record it on his mac so we can put it up, cuz it's going to be sick! Can't wait! I still love all my classes! And my tuts, my tut instructors are sweet! my music one, Hannah, is so freaking talented! She played for us, I wanted to die! She can play pretty much everything! It's amazing!

This is getting long again! Don't hate me! Love you all! Please say hi even if i don't respond, I just get really overwhelmed when I havn't been online in 3 weeks and theres so much going one, but i still really appreciate it and love it and love you! It'll be better now I promise!

<3 <3 <3

I really do miss you all!!! I miss people that know me! But God is good and is an amazing comforter, and provider! I love you guys, so much! You really don't know what you've got till it's gone!

You Won't Relent Until You Have it All

Hey Everyone! 

So I don't really know what to tell you! Life here is just amazing! I love my flatmates (which is a really big deal over here), I LOVE my church, I'm meeting lots of people and making some good friends, I love everyone's accents (except all my American friends, not a huge fan, but i still love them! lol).
It's been raining a lot. Me and my friends were going out and got caught in the most massive downpour I have ever experienced! It said on the news that it ended up been 74mm per hour, and it rained for about four hours! Sooo intense, and we were outside when it started! Super horrible! I got an intense sun burn at the beach the other day! It was awful! I couldn't walk for 2 days! And it was super hilarious, I didn't do my sunscreen very well and I had chunks that were like fingerprints all over my chest and back and legs of insanely red burnt skin! People were taking pictures because it was so funny/bad! but I seriously couldn't walk or sleep! Every time I moved I woke up and wanted to kill myself, or at least cut off all my skin! lol! But it's turning into a nice (sorta weird) tan.
Hmmm... I'm not sure what else to tell you guys, I start my real classes tomorrow (monday) and i'm super stoked! I'm practicing my Australian (in Australia they say it like Auztrrrielean, that one's kinda hard to get)! Sweet as (but you have to say it like az or it sounds like ass), keen, reckon, idear, hera (like here), HEAPS, how are you going is a big one here too (so funny). I was at a friend's flat last night and his flatmate is actually an Aussie (what are the odds?) and was giving us lessons! lol! I'm discovering more and more cooking ability, which is super exciting. I made a stir fry yesterday and it wasn't going the way I wanted and I fixed it without even hardly having to think about it, it must have been the holy spirit, because I just did something and don't know where it came from, but it was the worlds best stir fry! lol! haha! 


I'd like to make a little shout out to my amazing boyfriend really quick! He's such a cute boy, he e-mails me like it's his job and he sent me the most beautiful flowers for valentines day! They are just so cute! Don't judge me, but I didn't have a vase or anything to put them in, and I didn't want to put them in an empty water bottle because they were just so pretty, so I went to the recycle room and found an empty wine bottle and cleaned it and took the labels off and put them in there and put some pretty stuff around the neck of the bottle and they look so amazing! Everyone that I've told though thinks that's so gross that I got it out of the recycling, but it was just sitting on the ground, it's not like I went dumpster diving or anything! lol! But it looks so beautiful! Thanks love!
So Australia is not a place to go if you care at all about hair! Just thought I'd let everyone know! If you look at yourself in a mirror more than twice a day, don't bother coming. You will NEVER like the way you look hardly ever! It's just plain discouraging! I've pretty much given up! I've left the house with wet hair more than once so far (which if you know me even a little, is a really big deal and I don't think I've done that since at least grade 9 probably earlier!).


Well, I'm sure I have actual important stuff to tell people, but I really drawing a blank. It's probably due to the fact that sleep here is an illusion (if your reading this and are friends with my boyfriend, I'm not nearly as bad as that). There's just so much to do at night, and it's super warm at night even if you wanted to sleep you couldn't. Two in the morning hardly feels later than 10 because of the lighting and the temperature, so it mostly happens by accident that I stay up way too late. But at least everyone's in the same boat! Anyways, I said all that to tell you that I'm too tired to think right now! lol! 


Last thought then I'm off! I just wanted to mention that I'm so in love with it here! I Love my church, I love my new family, I love my lectures (for the most part), God is so good! I can't remember if I mentioned last time that my wrist was healed on retreat! (if that freaks anyone out, like my non-christian friends, well, i guess that's probably a good thing) but I can say true as day that that bone that was messed up in my wrist actually moved about 3cm and popped itself back where it belongs during service! God is moving fo sho. It's so crazy, I feel like my heart is sometimes in actual pain because it's so excited about life and God and what's going to be happening in the next year and even when I get home. I can't even express it. It's just so crazy and so amazing and so real and comfortable (in an uncomfortable, I know I'm going to have to make some big changes but I'm insanely stoked, sorta way). I really just think everyone needs to come here, there's no way you can be the same person when you leave, it's just so ....... can't even tell yeah! I guess y'all (yup, can't believe I even thought that) will just have to come and visit me to see it for yourselves!!! =D


Thanks for reading, make sure you give me some feedback so I know whose reading this and so I don't yell at you for not reading it when you actually did! lol! Love and miss everyone! 


Brittany xoxoxoxoxoxoxo
ps. I'm just looking at an e-mail my mom sent and I thought it would be easier to answer the questions on here. I'm not sure what's going on with that job, I stopped in the other day and he said he'd call me and didn't, so we'll see. And we do these things called assessments, and they are like big projects and exams mixed in one, it takes at least a month to do (so I've been told) and that's how they mark your lectures, most of your marks come from practical though, fieldwork which is when your serving in the church in your feild (I'm in the united choir, super cool) and your church life, which is when your serving the church in another practical but kinda "small" way, something that is important to the church but hardly noticed, like car park, or coffee or something! I don't know what mine is because my e-mail got all messed up, but I think I'm going to be in kids. And I'm volunteering in TV on Tuesdays and Fridays during campus chapel, which I have to attend either way so it's not adding alot more, other than the fact that I have to wake-up at 5:15 on those days to be there by 6:30 for practice. But it's sick, I think they're going to let me do the camera's for the actual service next week! woohoo! I pretty much hang out with everyone, it's just like a big community, if someone's doing something and you wanna go, you just go or if you don't you'll find someone doing something you want to do, it's pretty easy. We're signing our contract for internet tomorrow, so hopefully that'll be up and running asap. There you go mom, hope that helps you sleep at 3 am! lol! =P Love you!

Hello From Oz!

Hey everybody! So this is my first blog ever, so i hope it's okay, not just a whole bunch of rambling. I just thought it would be a good way to keep everyone posted so I don't have to tell everyone the same thing over and over! lol!

Anyways, so I guess I'll just start at the beginning, the trip was crazy long, left for Detroit at 10am i'm pretty sure, on Wednesday the 20th of January, and we arrived in Sydney on Friday the 22nd in the late afternoon! Super long trip! I made a vlog while traveling but internet here is very strange and so i don't think I'll be able to post it.

I moved into my furnished flat (thank the Lord) that day and met my first room mate Nini. She's super cute, I quite like her. I did a bunch of shopping that day and thank goodness my parents were here to help me because I did have to go all over the place to get the things we needed. I'm the only girl who's starting first year first semester so it's kinda nice to have people who can fill me in on life here and school and stuff. And most people moved into flats with not a stich of furniture, not even a fridge, so I'm super happy about that.

The next few days I hung out with my parents and did the tourist thing, went to circular quay which is where the Sydney Oprah House is and the big famous bridge. We also discovered that during that week it was Australia day, which was super cool, they had so many things going on at all the different harbors, bands, food, boat racing. Super cool.

My other two room mates moved in as well, so now there is four of us, Nini (whose full name is Carine, but it's Portuguese and no one says it right so we just call her Nini), Izy, who is Norwegian from Korea, and Stephanie who is from California. we all get along really well which is nice. Me and Steph share a super tiny room, I'm pretty sure it's smaller than my room at home. But it's fine, we have a system starting.

School started this week. We're doing 2 weeks of intensives while they get everybody's personal time tables worked out. Everyone in first year is in the same class, and we're doing a full year course in two weeks, which is way it's called intensives. It's super busy, we have lectures from 9-5:30 everyday. But it's soooo good. I already feel like I'm becoming a different person. I'm learning so much. I actually love sitting in lectures, it's a little long, but there is sooo much information and I want to just listen to them over and over because I feel like I'd learn something new every time!

Yeah, I don't know what else to tell everyone, I'm making lots of friends. Everyone is sooo friendly, everyone just talks to each other. This is such a relational country, total strangers talk to each other all the time. Most of the people in school live in the same buildings as me so it's easy to get to know each other, and everyone just hangs out at each other's flats. Me and one of my friends Breanna (yeah i know, i just can't get away from Brie's lol) spent a whole day touring (more like getting lost) around the city, which was so fun. Everything is super expensive here. You have to buy interent by the GB, which is so crazy. Food is so much too, a red pepper in the grocery store is 12.98 per kg!!!! People talk really sweet here. I'm trying really hard to immerse myself in Australian Culture (as much as i can considering I'm surrounded by Americans) so i'm trying to pick up on Aussie slang, which is hilarious. So even if i don't come home with an Aussie accent (I'll more than likely have an American one, and I'll probably be saying ya'll) I'll probably come home with some very strange sayings. So just so everyone is prepared, you probably won't have any idea what I'm talking about half the time. lol. The birds here are super wierd. There's this huge one, like two feet tall with a MASSIVE beak, and this one that i haven't actually seen but i can hear it all the time and it sounds like someone is strangling a baby, and this really cute one that looks like the baby birds off Up with a little mohawk. (google search it if you don't know what i'm talking about)

OH! This is for Mady mostly but it's super cool. I got to work with the TV crew yesterday for a United concert. So so cool. I got taught how to use the cameras (which i didn't get to actually run while the concert was on, boo.) and got to sit in the TV room and watch during the actual show. Mady, you would have LOVED it, it's so insane, so many cameras, so many effects. If you end up coming i'll see if you can sit in. You would love it soo much!!

Anyways guys, i've been writing for a while so this is getting super long. Just want to let everyone know that i love it here so much and you should worry because I probably won't wanna come home (we'll see, i've only been here two weeks, i might end up hating this place). The weather is usually awesome, it's been raining alot but it's usually really nice, super humid and ridiculously sticky (I've been wearing my hair up alot here, it's weird), but super awesome. The beaches are beautiful, the water is like the colour of a painting, sorta green but mostly a gorgeous blue, the waves are HUGE and wonderful (as long as your past the breaking point because I've been thrown around a bit on the other side), so many people are surfing at any point in the day. I just can't wait to learn to surf.

Well, hope that everyone is doing well, can't wait to hear what's going on with all of you guys.

Love you and miss everyone so much
Brittany <3