Tuesday, December 21, 2010
I Guess it's Just up to Me....
So it's been a while since I've written, and a lot has happened. I finished college and now I'm home. I've been home only a week, but I'm struggling to adjust. Seriously. I don't really know why, and I love my family, but I just have no desire to be here and stay here. I'd be completely content if I was just visiting right now. I kind of expected this to happen, because of how everything ended, I knew I was going to be heartbroken, and so it helps that I was prepared for it, but it still doesn't take it away. Everything in me wants to be back in Australia, even if I didn't go back to college. I miss my friends, I miss my church, I miss the atmosphere, I miss the sun, I miss the coffee (ha). I have a lot of things that I really wish I did differently, mostly I just wish I took more advantage of what I had there. I feel like it's so true, you don't know what you have until it's gone. I have a lot of things I want to do now that I'm home, which is good, hopefully I'll be able to organize my time better than I have in the past, which I know I'm getting better at. Probably when things settle down with Christmas it'll be better, more organized and less overwhelming, but I just can't help thinking that even if I just fill all my time up, it's not going to make me want to be here more. I don't really know. One thing I do know really well is that the more I learn, the less I know. Basically, it comes down to, I don't know what to do. I don't know how to be, I don't know where I'm going. I have an idea of what I want to do, the woman I want to be, but I just don't know how to get there, and my biggest struggle is still being disciplined to work hard enough for it. Everything ahead of me looks hard, scarey and lonely. I guess it just comes down to me just missing everyone and everything. I actually learned a lot in Australia, even if we complained about school all the time. I guess I'm afraid I'm not going to be able to keep it up, I don't know how to learn and grow without people telling me. I miss Sarah, I miss Luis. I don't really want to do this all by myself......
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hey Brit, thanks for sharing your heart, I can really identify with how you're feeling. I felt the same way after I graduated Bible College, coming home is such a hard thing to do, because you've been launched out into the rest of your life, that's one reason why that time is so exciting. You know you're preparing for your future, and it seems so bright from a place like Australia, and you come home all high on life only to be "brought back to reality" so to speak.
ReplyDeleteI know that's why I was so miserable when I came to work with your family in London; I had so many things in my heart to do, to become, to travel to, and there I was, back at home. It was a tremendously difficult transition for me as well.
I don't know what God has for you, but I know for me, God had me stay home for 2 full years and it was the biggest test of faith and faithfulness of my life, I really believe that, and the things I learned during that time are things I've built my life and ministry on.
After 2 years God moved me To Ireland, and made all my dreams come true. After being faithful to staying put for a season while He worked on my character, He then rewarded me with Ireland, which was a completely perfect time, a real fairy tale. Then He launched me out into Asia, where I've been walking in the fullness of my calling ever since.
Whatever He has you do now, remember that this may be the hardest thing you ever have to do, and His rewards far outweigh the sacrifice you give Him.
Your future is so bright, and this is not a step backward in any way, but the beginning of the rest of your life. God's waiting to see if He can trust you with the tough stuff, but He promises to give you your heart's desire, even if that consists of heading back to Australia someday. I thought Ireland was too good to be true, but that's really what God wanted me to do! He's so amazing that He doesn't want to take from us, only give to us, but in His way, as He builds a solid foundation under us first.
Love you, L-A
wow... thanks Lee-anne, that's actually really encouraging!!!! <3 you heaps.
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