My Heart for His House - Because Your with me, I will Not Fear

How come it is scarey to trust God with the things He gave me in the first place? He took care of it long before it was even in my hands. How come I have to remind myself to trust God with everything? I know that I trust Him as God, but it feels like I have to literally go through everything little thing and give it to Him individually. How come it's so easy to screw up over and over again? I feel like this is the meaning of apology. To apologize and ask forgiveness is to turn around, not to ask and keep asking, but to ask then change. Why is this so hard? How come it's so easy to fall back into old habits. I'm trying to kill them, trying to let them go, and I do, for like a week, then I'm back where I started. I've seen progress, I know what it looks like, but now it feels like I take two steps forward and sometimes one step back, sometimes three. How do I get this to stick?

Today we made pledges for the Heart for the House offering. I had a number in my mind, that I felt was a bit of a stretch but I that could handle, but God kept telling me that this has to be a sacrifice. This was scarey as hell. A major struggle went on within me, I was literally fighting God in my mind. Shaking with fear and uncertainty. What if God doesn't provide? I don't want to be giving to God in order to get something from Him, but I really can't afford this.

The minute I wrote down the number that God gave me, and put in the bucket I felt like God was teaching me something about faith. He told me that I just made a statement in the spiritual realm. He's going to give me what I need, and this statement is me fully trusting in Him for my family and future. My family is my life, and I know I hold on to them so tight, so to hear God specifically speak to me about them is a huge deal for me. I was so overwhelmed, consumed by His power. He's going to take care of me, He's going to take care of my family. He's already planned it. His miracle is for His glory. My provision, my family's salvation, healing, all my hopes and desires are taken care of.

This is why it's okay not to know the answers. If I could do it on my own, if I could think of it in myself, then His name isn't exalted! I think for this reason faith needs to be blind more often than not. Faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things unseen. It is being sure of what we hope for, certain of what we don't see. How can we know what God has? God is bigger than anything and everything. If I can do a little bit on my own with the resources I have available to me, just think about what God created out of nothing. He is more than capable to do above and beyond what I can't even fathom.

So I don't know if God is going to give me money as provision for what I pledged in the heart for the house, maybe He won't heal me, my sister or my grandma, maybe my family won't get saved, maybe I won't get married and my dreams won't been realized, but maybe that's not the point. I do know that that money is going to be given to starving and hurting people, because I know the church I belong to is faithful and they aren't just trying to scam my money. I've witnessed it. So I guess that's enough. Maybe God asked me to give what I didn't think I was capable of just for this lesson of complete surrender. I'm learning that it's okay to cry, it's okay to be overwhelmed, it's okay to feel alone, it's okay to be unsure and afraid, it's okay not to know the answers or even the question sometimes, as long as God is at the centre, He knows. Maybe this surrender is solely an act of worship, to acknowledge His greatness. He's going to reign either way.

The heavens declare the glory of God, the skies proclaim the work of His hands. Creation is screaming God's goodness, why can't I join in? I guess this is all or nothing.